Pregnancy loss (trigger warning) (tfmr/sensitive)

Posting here (for valid reason I will get to) and yes I would love to post this in the tfmr group (warning) but being as I didn't tfmr-I was suggested to-I don't qualify.

Last year we tried to make amends with my mil/fil sil/bil but it became clearly evident that mil had zero interest in having a functional relationship with us even if we provided forgiveness/understanding to her direct and targeted abusive choices even after the circumstances escalated and the obvious was undeniable she blamed us instead of her weirdo new son in law over her own son.

With the clarity and cutting them out of our lives (we had told them if they wanted to meet up with us and our daughter we would try to make it work but aside from that we would never be at a family gathering again and they were never going to be unsupervised with our child again) we had decided to go into our next pregnancy.
I had felt a couple weird shifts in my body I hadn't experienced in my first pregnancy, but I actually was thrilled and excited because in my first pregnancy within the first weeks of conception I was rashy, sick, exhausted, and disoriented. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis thrown on meds and ivs, but this pregnancy I had actually been able to stand on my own feet at my job at 6 weeks prengant. I thought i was going to have a normal pregnancy. I was very wrong. At 8 weeks these shifts in my body I was feeling-became very drastic and ended with me in the er on a pic line. Then I started really struggling with eating. Then I started puking blood. Then I got an ultrasound and saw that my baby had no airway or lungs developed at 12 weeks. I knew it was bad before the doctor told us. At that point I had been surviving off of ivs but they didn't give me the type that gives nutrients. I had starved since 8 weeks into 13 weeks. The doctor had informed me that there was nothing to be done for my baby and that with the impact this had had on my body it was worrisome
About my organs and the hope was I wouldn't need to but that tfmr was on the table if I felt I needed to make that choice at any point and there may be a time she might actually suggest it after trying a few things if they
Don't work. I have never done drugs or had to sober up, but I can imagine what I went through next was a lot like that. I had pooling sweat and I don't remember much except exhaustion. They had me on steroids and medications and after that part they placed the gtube. I was part of the groups of the conditions my baby had. He had 3 different things going on. The one specific-hydrops had post after post hour after hour day after day of babies not making it. My husband and I had a very appropriate thought I think when it came to the possibility of tfmr-we didn't want our baby to experience more pain and distress than he would from the actual procedure-which we were told would be none before a certain time frame- but we wanted to push with as much time with him as we could and had hopes his conditions at the least settled a little to not cause further damage or pain and that we could hopefully have a scheduled c section, and have a few moments with him before he suffocated from his own body, and hopefully this was a hospice like option so that his pain could be managed. He died at 14 weeks in pregnancy. He lived a heck of a lot longer than he should have but the hydrops could have disappeared and given us the whole pregnancy with him at the least. No matter what it was all a bunch of shitty end results. In theory his heart stopped the same way it would have had we chosen tfmr, his death was not any different one way or the other.
His body came out mostly in tact from an induction. I was informed this is very very very uncommon. Typically at that stage, they do not stay together as the body isn't meant to sustain birth at that age. He did have a little bit of a bang up from the delivery but truly it was as good as those docs and nurses had ever seen or will ever see from what they had told me.

I didn't just wake up find I was pregnant and try to abort my baby. I didn't think oh he is sick-okay bye. I did everything in my power to have that pregnancy go healthy and the choice to spare our already dying baby from more pain was one we did not make out of selfishness and still had the same results as someone who chose to terminate just because they want to. People don't think that pregnancies like mine existed and furthermore try to diminish my son's existence because it was real. That or I get demonized for the fact that if I had to I would have chosen life for myself because I have a living child and my baby was going to pass away no matter what we did. It's a lot like people shaming others who receive organ donations and or others who have family members in hospice and have made the final choices or their directive has lapsed and it's time to let go.

I trust my husband and we are great parents-together-but he didn't sign up to be a single parent and my daughter needs me alive for so many reasons. He is a good dad but his family is abusive and I fully believe my blood wouldn't even be cold before they would try and find some way to get access to our child and hurt her because they do while I am LIVING. It's not just my life that was spared. And I had never thought I'd be in such a dire scenerio.

Most people do not know we were offered the tfmr and those that do know that we fully were going to exhaust every option before letting it get to that. Most who know know how horrid it was while we experienced what we did. My mil/fil sil/bil have zero idea however. And I don't think they even know the conditions that our baby had, they never saw any of the ultrasounds. We went no contact with them after we told them of our pregnancy because they were being rude. My husband had been getting a lot of texts of sympathy about our loss one from a family member-that told us mil had posted about our loss anniversary on Facebook. I have had her blocked for ages. So it's not like she shared a memory from us. She has never seen the ultrasounds, from what I know it's my background picture of our son's memorial stone which she would have obviously had to have gotten from someone else to be able to post it.

I don't know who she could have gotten it from as I have most of her family blocked I only have her nieces and nephews that are my age and know that we have contacted the law regarding my mil on my Facebook and none of them would send it to her. The only suspect I have is actually my sil. As everything on my profile is locked down and not available for the public. Most people cannot find my profile.

As mentioned I have had to contact the police because of mil/fil. They have shown up to our house 4x either told not to, unannounced, gone into our backyard, and won't leave when told and confronted.

I told the police since that door had been open that anything more I would be reporting and did as the police instructed me to do. I have talked to 3 different officers as I have had to contact them 3x since. The first one was regular-understanding-did his job. The second one made it clear that he is a grandparent and that grandparents just want the best for their grandkids in his experience and treated me like I was being a helicopter parent and overreacting for not wanting someone tapping on my back glass door trying to entice my child when we said no to coming over in the first place. Like I am the unreasonable one. Then I tried to explain that mil was harassing us for something we were unable to give her which was us accommodating a gathering and why we didn't suggest getting together just us and them being I was severely ill in the hospital constantly and he asked me if we had terminated like that should never be an option ever. Like I needed additional shame after all I had been through. Like I don't already feel hatred for myself that I needed hospitalization and I couldn't save my baby no matter how hard I tried.

After the fourth time I called I was tired of this and actually demanded talking to the sheriff. He was decent and reasonable and didn't gut me with a knife.

But with mil posting that it makes me so uncomfortable as I live in a community that is very anti abortion but yet our state accepts medical necessary abortions, which I had as well. After my baby was born I had left over placental material and they gave me a type of abortion to remove it. This was after weeks of bleeding through jeans seeing so much blood I wondered if I had any left. I was in a bathroom at a restaurant with family bleeding all over it.

This community doesn't have troubles that their worries of abortion would occur for. We don't have poverty. We have a lot of support for the disabled. We have medical care. We have jobs that do pay enough. People are not having abortions here unless it is like me-medically necessary-it wasn't my baby aborted I still had one though.

Part of me feels I do need to be open about it as many people are against it and trying to take these medical freedoms away.

But I figure it only really matters to my circle and hopefully my circle of care can make a difference.

But as for my mil sharing the loss, I don't need the questions of strangers and have to relive the hell. If people didn't know of it to reach out to us, they sure as hell didn't need to find out from Facebook from my mil a year later.

Also I am pregnant again- we see the care team we had with our loss who had done thorough testing, prepared for this pregnancy, and has been with us every step of the way.
Mil still doesn't care about the stress she causes and clearly doesn't care and is arrogant to reality and will never learn as we have not had the same challenges as the last pregnancy, but we have had several challenges and baby is not determined to die like our last, but he will need extra care after birth. This isn't something my husband and I have shared much with anyone just my mom and dad and my aunt-who experienced two late term losses and has been a huge support.

I'm just here to rant and express as I really have no where else to go with it.

The only thing I can control is knowing I will never be this type of mil or person to another being. It sucks being the bigger person and having to suffer under the abuse as there isn't really any choice.