Happy Birthday

Today’s your birthday.
Happy birthday, even tho I already wished you.
I hope I didn’t ruin your birthday. I texted you way more than I should have. I was drunk. I still am tho maybe a little less now.

It’s been 4 months since you left. And I won’t lie, I miss you. I miss you every day. I dream about you every day. Some days you’re there in my dreams. Some days you’re ignoring me. Some days you’re with someone else. Every morning I wake up and have to lose you all over again. It’s tormenting. It’s agonising. I cry myself to sleep and then I wake up crying too.

If I knew last year would’ve been my last chance to spend your birthday with you, I would’ve come. I really would’ve.
I curse myself for it. Everyday. I really wish I could’ve been there for your birthday. If only you’d let me. At least I hope you liked that cursed Oreo cake (Oreo boy). I made it myself so I hope it made you smile a little.

And I don’t think I can ever move on. Time hasn’t moved for me. I’m stuck on 15th of March when we were still holding each other. I haven’t moved from there. And I don’t even want to.

This love I have for you is consuming me.

I never thought I was even capable of being this crazy about someone. I still see you. I still feel your lips, your hands, your body weight. I feel everything as if you’re still here holding me.

I see your face every day with every little detail. The moles. The acne scars. The way your brows are shaped. Every little hair. Even your beard. As crazy as it sounds, even your teeth. I remember everything. God I can describe you in so so much detail.

Sometimes I see myself sitting beside you in your car. Sometimes you’re holding me. Sometimes you’re laughing and I smile too. I remember the way you’d look at me. Everyday I hear you repeating my name. And I repeat it with you. Every day I laugh with you at the things you used to say. Every day I talk to you. For hours and hours. For me you never left. And this is the loop I relive everyday.

I don’t know what happened to me. This wasn’t me. I was never like this. God, what did you do to me? I think I’m actually going crazy.

I know it’s so so selfish of me but I want nothing more than for you to come back. I just want to hear your voice. I want to hear you call my name. I listen to your voice notes. I look at our photos and cry.
I miss you.

I hope you come back. Or at least talk to me. I know my mistakes. I know I should’ve understood you. Instead I said stupid shit. I should’ve just listened. I should’ve tried harder to understand. If not me, then who else would’ve??And somehow I failed at that too. I’m sorry /:

I know I’m being selfish. I’m just so so consumed by you. It’s not even healthy anymore. More than anything I just want to hear you say my name again.

I’m sorry.
Happy birthday again /: