I must have died in 2020. Everyday feels like hell. If you excuse the hyperbole for a moment I just feel terrible. June sucks. I hate it. I feel left behind by my friends. None of them seem to care about me or at least show it in any meaningful way. I feel reduced to afterthought. I spent all my money and waste all my time planning things to not even get messaged first or even asked how are you. I have to be faultless and well adjusted at all times because the moment I have an issue or feel sad, frustrated or upset at my situation I’m just being paranoid and overdramatic. My friends care about me, sure, but in a way you’d care about a distant relative like oh it’s nice to see them once in a while but they really have little to no affect on your life and you should probably pay them a visit every now and again.

I go out my way consistently with these people and when I tell them I’m upset that they don’t put enough effort in at me. They say I’m delusional and paranoid and blame it all on me and my terrible mental health. I just want some reassurance or just them to initiate for once. They make me feel crazy. I always invite my friends over and travel to see them and pay for dinner and buy gifts. Only one? Of ten does them for me and I love them for them but I would consider maybe three or four of them close friends and they give me nothing in return. I just want to breakdown. I feel so stupid writing this. I just wish people could even put a quarter of the effort into me as I do with them. It’s pathetic. I’ve tried telling them they can contribute towards my moods but apparently that’s my problem not theirs. I can be a shitty person but it seems like everyone else is absolved of their guilt. I wish I could just sleep or be happy on my own.

And everyone just says to me I need to date and it drives me mad because I’m happy on my own. My last relationship made me miserable but at least they cared for me and put in the effort to see me even if they were oblivious to the feelings I expressed to them multiple times. I regret leaving her even if it was the right decision for the both of us because I truly feel like everyone is miles away from me. I feel crazy. I wish I could just pour all my emotional turmoil into literally anything else but no. I just want to be happy and be with my friends and be loved. Everyone makes me feel like there is something deeply wrong with me. Sure, two or three years ago I would have agreed. I went to therapy I got medicated. I am better, what I feel now is nothing compared to then. I am incredibly normal given the circumstances. Yet all they see just someone with a mental illness. I have no substance, I doubt half of them could recall any of the hobbies or interests I have despite knowing me for years and years now. I get they might be busy with work or college but they’ll do things without me or if i invite one of them round I’ll be asked “who else is coming” every time because I’ll never be enough and the only way I can be tolerated is in a group setting. I’m so tired . I’ll find better people eventually but some days I feel like I relive the same moments over and over again with no relief.

DoomPosting.