Crying out for help but no one hears me

So, I bet you're wondering how we got here...

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Well, since I was 10/11 I've struggled with my mental health. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar then later re-diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. When I was 20, my psychiatrist referred me for an emotional support animal and thus came a toy poodle mix, who I loved with all my heart.

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I just turned 32, and my mental health is the worse it's been in years. In the last year, I've had so many overwhelming stressful events happen from both my parents being in the hospital in the same week, to a major friendship breakup, relapsing on self harm and so much more.

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Last month though... a few weeks before my birthday, my fur baby of nearly 12 years, died in my arms in a very traumatic way and it broke me in ways that I never thought possible. I still feel his body going limp in my arms. I still have obsessive reoccurring nightmares of watching him die and it haunts me.

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At first I felt numb, I tried to bury all the pain away with drinking, drugs and partying but that didn't stop the pain. I did my best to put on a mask and make it through my birthday with friends even though I was miserable. Every day, the pain feels worse and worse and now here I am. With every heartbeat, the emotional pain spreads through my body like a burning cancer

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I don't want to live anymore. I feel like I'm drowning on a sea of darkness and sadness and despite my best efforts, I can't pull myself to shore. It's so bad, the thoughts. Every min of every day telling me to kill myself, no one will miss, they won't care, they'll be better off alone, if I die, the pain will go away...

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My psychiatrist gave me two options... 6 week intensive inpatient program or a 3 week outpatient program.

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I'm not sure what I'm looking for from posting this maybe its just comforting knowing that there are people out there who also feel this way

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