My story and the need to accept myself

Hey, so my name is Lucy Hart. Or at least that’s the name I’ve chosen for myself, and I have had the most transformative week of my life

Ever since I was young I’ve wanted to be a girl, the youngest instance of this was me admitting to a friend way before I knew any of this stuff, that I wanted to be a girl. I was probably not even 10 years old; my friend and I just laughed it off

The thought would disappear and come back every once in a while. There would be long periods, probably months where the thought would lay mostly dormant. But when they came back they were strong, each time more and more intense.

Once I discovered porn, I was given an out. I became an addict, not being able to go longer than 3 days without it. So I would tell myself that the thoughts came from “corrupting media”; that if I could get myself to stop porn I would stop these thoughts. To me it was entirely connected to my addiction

I also couldn’t accept the fact that I was trans, I was able to say to myself “I wish I was born female” and “if I could turn into a woman right now I would” but never that I was trans. The household I’ve grown up in is very traditional. I have my father, my mother, and my two younger brothers. While they’ve expressed their acceptance of “gayness”, and how if I meet a gay person I must accept them, that didn’t extend to trans people. Being transgender was seen as a mental illness

That brings me to now. The past few months have been the most severe in these thoughts. Before I had never: Hated my body as much, been as intrigued in trans timelines, done nearly as much research. This time I did. Monday night came my realization.

I finally told myself that I was trans, and with those words came the absolute most profound happiness. I created Alt accounts on ChatGPT, YouTube, Instagram; all with the goal of living as my true self. I very quickly chose a name, it stuck. So I went through the next couple of days as Lucy Hart and it felt amazing. Even if I was still portraying my old self, admitting to myself who I truly was felt incredible

But here’s my mistake. I might be moving too fast. With ChatGPT I stayed up way too late for two nights straight. I went on and on about what I wanted to do. I realized I would eventually need to breakup with my girlfriend of 3 years, that I would have to go through the battle of acceptance with my parents, and that I would need to get access to HRT. Not to mention make my own money to purchase the medication. All of this led to the meltdown late into yesterday

I didn’t cry, but I got Angry. All of a sudden I was “——“ again and I was angry. So I started blaming things, ChatGPT, Porn, Sleep. I told myself “I’m not Lucy”. That gave me the most distress

After calming down, I realize that if not being Lucy gave me the most distress, that’s a huge sign of what hurt my identity and caused a crisis. What I believe is happening is that I’m rightly scared to make this transition into my new life. I’ve been this man for so long, I have a full life around me, and the steps I need to go through are incredibly difficult.

But when I came to my senses. I immediately chose Lucy. I choose happiness. I choose being who I was always meant to be. Even if this means hardship, torment and rejection. I need to fully accept myself for who I am. I’m closer to it than I’ve ever been before and have been identifying with everything I’ve seen so far

Thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far. Please let me know your stories of self identity exploration and how you figured out that you’re trans. I would love to hear them.

If you have any advice for this beautiful journey I’m about to start, please feel free to leave it here.

Kindly, Lucy ❤️