Slowly dying while you move on

T,

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So I want you to know that I am actually getting better. I've gained a small amount of weight. I began therapy. I am sober 3 weeks now. I am actually in a positive head space about the direction my life is heading. I only wish you could or would be proud of me. I owe you my life technically. The day you came to my work and we clicked i was a walking shell of a human being. After losing the love of my life to suicide 2 years ago I had become at peace with my final day. I'm not sure if you ever really heard a word that came out of my mouth but if you recall i was intended to take my life the very next day. And then there you were. My heart began to beat yet again. I noticed a small flicker of hope rise in me. I spent the next 4 out of 5 months with you desperate to control my morbid preoccupation with my trauma. I feel so deeply in love with you, the first time since his suicide that I had let anyone in even an inch. But I would gain clarity too late. It wasn't until our last month together that I could say I was truly alive. That I wanted to be the girl on your arm. To build the future with you we had spent so many nights dreaming about. That last month you encouraged me to gain interest in hobbies again...you made me feel safe enough to even get outside, by myself non the less. I was blissfully unaware that you had checked out by then. I don't think I need to rehash the heartbreak that you caused and it does no good to relive the excruciating pain of your betrayal. This post is not a way to drag your loyalty through the mud. This post is meant to express my gratitude for having you in my life for the short but intense time I called you mine. I hope you stumble across this post and see what good you have done for me. I am beyond shattered and honestly beggining to feel very angry but this too shall pass. When my emotions stop controlling the words I spew towards you...you will know that I love you still and that I never lied about that. And if you find yourself searching for forgiveness I will still be here waiting for you.

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Forever yours,

B