Alcohol robbed me of myself

I'm at fourteen months, it's hard to comprehend the amount of change that has happened in that time. I am so much healthier, physically and mentally. Alcohol is not really a thing on my mind anymore, sometimes I forget that it even exists.

Who I am sober is who I was trying to be with alcohol. I was on a work trip where we went to a bar, then a restaurant. I was totally relaxed and enjoying myself, probably the most confident and social person there. I used to be charming and funny, always a bit of a flirt when I was drunk but then I'd sober up and all of that would disappear.

At the dinner, there was a co-worker who I have a crush on and we chatted the whole night. I was funny, I flirted and I wasn't nervous at all. I felt like the guy I was always trying to be with alcohol, except I was there and present, I was able to pause and think, I was able to enjoy the little moments and remember them afterwords.

This is a bit sad to admit but I think a lot of the women I dated knew that, back then, I needed alcohol. We'd go out and they'd buy me drinks, get me drunk and I'd become a different man entirely. Without the alcohol, nothing was going to happen.

Yet, here I am, having a genuine evening where I connect with someone. Where I am not hiding anything, where I have awkward moments but let them happen. I lean in a bit too much, then realise I am and get embarrassed knowing she saw something authentic. I was vulnerable and seen and what was seen, was me. Not something that alcohol gave me.

I think that the guy I was trying to be when I drank, was always me. Alcohol robbed me of myself and charged a toll every time I wanted to see him. It's disgusting to think about, that I kept myself locked away for so long. Alcohol is called the Devils drink but I guess it never occured to me how apt that name really is.

It makes you an offer, you get what you want in the moment but it takes your soul as payment. But thankfully it's a contract we can break.

IWNDWYT