Mental health is so bad during second pregnancy

'm sorry this is so long and so all over the place, please be kind.

I'm currently almost 15 weeks pregnant with our second baby and I am struggling very badly with my mental health. I don't know how to continue functioning like this while trying to be a good mom to my 20mo toddler.

Our second was planned but like some people, I really didn't think it would happen this fast. I struggled severely with PPD and PPR and I ended up taking Zoloft for most of my postpartum journey although I quit shortly before I got pregnant the second time. Now im not so sure why I ever quit. I thought around the time my first was 18 months that the postpartum had gotten better and I was starting to feel a lot better. A lot of that had to due with changes in our circumstances. Ex- having 2 vehicles so I was actually able to get out of the house rather than being cooped up inside all day with my baby. Looking back now, I'm not sure my postpartum ever went away from my first son and now that I'm pregnant again I'm falling apart.

I feel so guilty and full of shame for the feelings and thoughts that I have, but more than that hardly being able to function as a good mom for my toddler and unborn baby. I dreamed and prayed to be a mom one day, it's all I ever wanted and I feel like a complete failure at it. I know comparison is the theif of joy, but I can't help but notice other moms doing such an amazing job at motherhood when I don't feel like I've been good at it from the beginning.

My first son had latching issues from day one so I exclusively pumped for the first 7 months of his life and it provided him with breast milk until about 10-10.5 months and then we switched to formula until he turned one. I've always tried so hard to be present, patient, kind and loving to him in every single way that I can but it's progressively gotten so much harder. For context on top of the breastfeeding issues, my husband started a new job when my baby was 6mo and did the training portion on day shift (12 hours a day on a 2-2-3 schedule) and then switched to the night shift same schedule for almost a year. He switched back to day shift earlier this year in February. While he has always been the best in providing for us and making sure we have eveything we need, I was and still am the primary parent. I know we carry the weight differently so I've always tried to be as understanding as possible and do my very best.

I failed to mention previously that since our son was born 20mo, I became a SAHM which is a decision that my husband and I mutually agreed on before he was born. I always dreamed of being one so I never anticipated it to feel this way. Beforehand, I had a good job where I was respected and had a lot of amazing accomplishments. I woke up each morning, did my hair & makeup, dressed business casual and had a sense of purpose throughout my day. I hung out with friends frequently, spent time with family, worked on goals I had for myself etc etc. Since then everything changed. I have no motivation to hardly take care of myself. I don't get dressed up anymore, do my hair/makeup, do anything for myself, no desire to clean my house the same as before, and it's created such a resentment towards myself and how I feel internally. The exhaustion always takes over and I choose sleep instead of doing anything else. I don't have any friends or anyone to talk to that isn't my husband or my parents on the occasion. I used to be such a social butterfly, talking to anyone and making friends with everyone. Making conversation with just about anyone in the grocery stores and my workday would go by quickly because I was always able to talk to someone. Now I feel more isolated and alone than I've ever felt in my life and it's the worst feeling.

That leads me to my current situation. I have never felt so low in my life for so long. It isn't because of my babies because I adore my toddler and him and my unborn child are the only things keeping me going. Besides that I'm a shell of myself and falling apart. I feel extremely depressed every single day just trying to scrape by make it to bedtime. I don't recognize who I am anymore and it's created a lot of resentment in my life. My husband for example... I know I haven't been the best to him but I have also never felt so low before for so long. He's away from home a lot due to work and when he is home he needs time to unwind and relax with us as a family but all I want to do is talk and talk and talk because I've not done with with anyone all day. He goes to work, has buddies at work, goes to group hangout with his buddies every few weeks, goes to the gym and overall it doesn't feel like his life shifted as drastically as mine did. I know that's not his fault and so I feel so guilty for all the resentment I have towards him. He tries so hard to reassure me that this is all temporary, that when our kids are a bit older things will get easier. But it doesn't feel easy to see it that way when I cry all the time, have no energy to take care of myself, never go out with anyone or talk to my friends or do anything that feels remotely normal.

I hate who I've become, almost like a monster. My emotions are all over the place and I'm so full of shame for feeling this way when this is the life I dreamed of. I honestly hate myself most of the time and dread getting out of bed, it's exhausting when all I want is to be a good mom...

Also to add, I previously smoked and vaped and drank on the occasion but stopped once I found out I was pregnant so it's also been hard to not have the same coping mechanisms as before that helped a lot with postpartum.

I'm sorry this was so long I'm just looking for any advice or any reassurance from anyone who's gone through this same thing and how to actually get through it..