[Relationship Advice] 3.5 Years In, But Her Family Pretends I Don’t Exist — Am I Wasting My Time?

Hey everyone, hope you’re all doing well. I’m looking for some advice because I’ve been dealing with something that’s really starting to weigh on me, and I don’t really know what to think anymore. I’m a 22-year-old Italian guy, and my girlfriend is 21 and Igbo (Nigerian). We’ve been together for about 3.5 years — we met in high school and have stayed committed ever since. Despite a lot of differences, we’ve always believed in the bigger picture and tried to make it work. She’s on her way to becoming a doctor, and I’m working full-time in the union trades while also taking college classes. She comes from a wealthy background, while I grew up in subsidized housing and have been working hard to build a better life for myself.

Our upbringings couldn’t be more different, and I think that’s where a lot of the tension comes from. I’m very big on independence — making your own choices and having a say in your own life, especially when those choices affect your relationship. My girlfriend, on the other hand, feels like she has to listen to her father no matter what, and she struggles to say no to anyone in a position of authority, whether that’s her parents or even her boss. Because of that, she doesn’t really have the freedom to go out when she wants, and it often affects our ability to spend consistent time together. Plans between us get canceled a lot, sometimes last minute, because her parents control what she can and can’t do. We’ve managed to push through it so far because we care about each other and believe in a future together, but lately it’s been getting harder for me to ignore how much this situation is affecting me.

The biggest issue is her father. He doesn’t accept me at all — mainly because of my job. He believes tradesmen are “lower class” and associates that with negative stereotypes. Early on, when he found out I grew up in subsidized housing, he made some very disrespectful comments about me. Because of how strongly he disapproves, he now believes that we’ve been broken up for a couple of years, and she goes along with that just to avoid conflict with him. At this point, I honestly feel stuck. I love her, and I know she loves me, but I’m getting tired of not being able to see her regularly, having plans canceled, and feeling like our relationship has to be hidden or limited because of her parents. She’s 21 — an adult — but it doesn’t feel like she actually has autonomy over her own life.

I guess what I’m really struggling with is understanding why things are like this and whether they’ll ever realistically change. Why are some Nigerian/Igbo parents this strict, even with adult children? Is this something that usually improves over time, or am I being naive hoping things will get better? I don’t want to walk away if there’s a real future here, but I also don’t want to keep investing in something that can’t fully exist. Any advice or perspective would be really appreciated — especially from people who’ve experienced similar cultural or family dynamics. Thanks in advance.