but i wanted it to be him? 24F 29M

i have been with my fiancé for two years now
we were so loving and i never found someone that matches my soul
i love him so much but things got really ugly
he is my soulmate and he’s the only human i ever trusted
but after we got engaged we couldn’t communicate as we used to be
things were complicated since the beginning and we had many things to deal with
we had some religion differences (im a muslim and he’s an ex muslim)
but we wanted to fix everything and we have taken steps to make plans
but things weren’t such easy but we both did each other wrong
we used to insult each other, block each other, and onetime i insulted him mentioning his mother in this and he slapped me
things became so hard to tolerate for both of us and he also seemed to suffer from his end
i wasn’t feeling safe either and i got jealous all the time and i always felt like im not enough for him and that he might be thinking about other girls and this is an issue with me before even we got engaged he suffered from my jealousy and uncertainty
he said i used to get him wrong most of the time
but oneday i thought that he might be hiding things in his hidden photos and i asked him to open them for me and he refused but then i remembered the password and saw his exs nudes with him and they are hidden
this day i felt so bad and i can’t seem to shake this pain until now
i feel betrayed and sick to my bones
i felt so stupid for trusting him
i felt so stupid for choosing him and telling everyone that’s my man
and trying to make this work for years and he didn’t put little effort to delete some nudes because he thinks i am good enough and i deserve him to love me and be loyal to me even when he’s alone
but the truth is that he never loved me
and he was never loyal to me
and he never found me good enough
he didn’t see that i am worth deleting some photos
i choose to leave
it broke my heart and it doesn’t stop bleeding
i asked him specifically about these things and asked him if he had any photos of his exs and i told him this makes me afraid and insecure and he told me he is keeping nothing
he tried to solve this alot but i couldn’t let go of these thoughts
i wanted to stay but sonething stops me
i feel like god is telling me u both are going to suffer together
i rejected him alot and he got angry and i get why
he hates me and he thinks i gave up on him because i used to tell him i will leave alot before
idk how i can forget everything
how i can forget the love and the dreams
we were supposed to be married and live together forever
i don’t want to get married but i wanted to be married to him
i now think it’s not the right thing to do but i had a dream
how can i forget our home that we were building
our dreams and the names of our children
and how we used to laugh
and how we used to hug
and all of our inside jokes
how can i forget that he never saw me worth it
that he fooled me into thinking he cared enough for me
i love him
he’s the love of my life and my bestfriend
and now i have to let go of my bestfriend
i wanted it to be him
im in pain