The school system and my family failed me throughout my whole life

Im writing this after crying for hours i have strabismus im 16 and this impacted me since 8-10 years old.

At 8-9 years old i told my mum i wanted to kms she didnt give a shit and said oh its a sin she didnt comfort me or nothing.
at this time i wanted to do it because of my condition i hated speaking to people and it made me very anxious and shaky because they can see it and i was always afraid of being made fun of.
but at 9-10 years old this problem wasn’t the biggest since the people in my primary school didn’t really care and treated me normally and i wanted to commit suicide at 9 because of how my mom abused me throughout my life she used to hit me everyday.

One time i was about 5 years old and i was going to go to school and my mom left to go somewhere
i was upset about how she treats me so i threw something in the kitchen it was only like a powder or something and it wasn’t all over the kitchen it was only on one spot and i left to go to school and after school she asked me if it was me and i said no and at home she started beating my little brother who was about 3-4 years old and i was in the other room hearing this and it hurt so bad hearing it and i started crying and ran to my mom to tell her it was me and she started doing the same to me and we both had marks from her. I cried to god every night to take me in my sleep and so i wouldn’t wake up in the morning.

i was researching everywhere for ways to do it and at 11 years old i became very depressed.
i started secondary school and everyone knew me and was making fun of me people in older years, 5 years older than me and people from other schools i never heard of just knew me and were being rude when i never seen or heard of them before because people used to jump me and try fight me and multiple videos got sent around.

teachers didnt care the only thing they did was give me a 15 minute early pass at the end of each day because of the bullying and fighting but it was only because of the principal that noticed what was happening and how my pastoral and head of year didn’t do anything about it so it was the principal that did that but it was taken away after i had a new pastoral manager and it was when the fighting and bullying was still happening

i was suspended so much times i remember being called names multiple times a day in corridors , and in lessons OUT LOUD so everyone can hear and its not like i reacted to the bullying i was very quiet and shy so i never spoke and i dont think there was a day where i didnt get called names at least 3 times. People 2-3 years older than me used to come into my lesson standing at the door and shouting things at me laughing making fun of me, while the teacher and all the students were in the classroom , everyone laughed even the teachers they didnt do anything and laughed with them even making fun of me too. i was also pushed every single day in the corriders , lessons etc. i was hit walking out of school , in school , basically anytime they would see me and this always used to get recorded and sent around school.

and in year 8-9 i got into so much trouble everyday because i started skipping lesson and walking out of lesson because of how people used to treat me and i used to go to the bathrooms and just cry.

My head of year sent me to isolation for weeks at one point and i was just in there so much times i was suspended , detentions every day because of all this and the teachers knew it was because of the bullying , i didnt have no friends, i went in the bathrooms at lunch which i also got into so much trouble for there was also these two cleaners that used to always keep an eye on me telling me to get out and line up outside when they knew what would happen if i did because of the students bullying me fighting me etc they used to laugh with them too they knew everything and why i used to go in the bathrooms.

this whole thing went on for so long and i just tried to ignore everyone and hide my feelings and pretend i was fine and i used to hide what i felt from my parents because i was really embarrassed by it and how it is all because of my condition

i don’t like showing my feelings and i just asked my parents for the surgery for it and they didnt take it as seriously and there was this one day where i couldnt hide my feelings anymore and i cried to my mum asking her for it and she was confused and said why are you crying? I didnt reply but isnt it obvious? It was while asking her for the surgery asking her to help me get it and in school some teachers would treat me so differently some made jokes about strabismus to other people in front of me and laugh with other students when they were bullying me.

and in year 10-11 i was just quiet and i turned to S.H and i did get a group of friends but i will still very insecure. I don’t make eye contact if its not at a certain angle because it looks awful at certain angles , i start shaking with most interactions because of how nervous i am and because i know they see how bad it is.eye contact is so important to me i just want to make eye contact without getting nervous/uncomfortable and shaky

i tried to hide my feelings but at home
some days i just burst out crying on random days it can go on for weeks , months or even just a day but it impacts me so much i feel so ugly im so embarrassed of myself i became an atheist last year and i hate the concept of god even if he was real i would NEVER worship him i prayed to him so much times and i never got a response

and i didnt kms because of my dad and sisters becasue i love them so much but now im starting not to care because its my life and i wont feel guilt anyway i will be gone

i also had surgery at 4 years old i was supposed to have a second one but i moved countries and i HATE my family for doing that they only had to wait one more month and my WHOLE LIFE wouldve changed , i wouldn’t be suffering with all of this if they fucking cared for my health the treatment wasn’t fucking done and they decided to move saying they would finish it in the uk but its not that fucking simple the surgery is complex and they need multiple measurements and findings before surgery and its taken 12 years for them to book me in for surgery.

I just want to feel normal and i hate i was born this way ,i hate it so much i never felt normal i never felt human and no one took this condition seriously and i think its also because lf how people with my condition are portrayed in the media as being idiots and being stupid and this is weird but everytime when i was a child and someone even noticed me even a simple hi i used to feel so wierd and i was confused but happy at the same time because i never really got treated normal or human and im so upset i never got to experience a normal life.

In march i got told i was finally gonna get surgery i started crying so bad because of how much it would change my life i would finally speak to people , look at them , go outside since i was literally so scared of doing that because i was embarrassed of my condition.

But i dont think i can ever recover from what happened to me i always get flashbacks , it comes to me in my dreams etc and i developed unhealthy coping mechanisms - i hit myself , cutting myself sometimes , i don’t feel comfortable saying other things it made me want to do but its worse. And i think the only way i can be at peace from all this is suicide tbh i always wanted to do this and its my life i hate how people force people to live , letting them suffer when its their body.

Edit- i forgot to mention but my brother also is very abusive towards everyone in my family , to my sisters who are 3 and 10 he caused my baby sister to have seizures and now she has to take medication for it and have a developmental delay and my sister and my mum gets hit by him , he steals a crazy amount of money from my mum and hits her , she cries every time because she cant do anything about it but she still defends him which i hate.