Prayer in Youth Softball Dispute

I wanted to get feedback on a situation that happened in one of my daughter’s all star softball tournaments. I’ll try to present the fact and the aftermath of discussions and feelings expressed.

Our girls had done their team chant and I noticed the opposing team of girls walk over to our dugout. I could see them talking but could not hear what they were saying. The head coach was behind home plate in the pregame coach’s meeting. I was confused as to what our girls and the opposing girls were doing. They started to form a circle and then knelt and prayed together.

Our team is a mixed group of different beliefs and races. Some are Catholic, Christian and some are not practicing a religion. So I was surprised to see all of our girls praying. We hadn’t really discussed with some families what their religious beliefs or lack thereof were because softball was a sport that unites us no matter our personal beliefs. I think everyone was fine with whatever anyone’s personal beliefs were and were just happy to be on an all star team together.

One of the assistant coaches was very upset by the prayer. We’ll call her Amber. Once she realized what was happening she started to express her unhappiness with the prayer. She said it should not be happening in a public space. Two assistant coaches heard her express her upset and one told her she could pull her daughter and another told her that she was fine with the prayer. Again, this was initiated by the players only. No coaches or parents were involved.
Again the head coach was in the coach’s meeting and was not aware of Amber’s feelings on this at that moment.

The prayer ended and the game resumed. Amber’s daughter, we’ll call her Kelly, who is a pitcher, pitched that entire game immediately following the prayer. Our team beat that team. There was a small break in between games so there was just enough time to grab something to eat and get ready for the next game. Head coach explained to Kelly that he was going to sit her for part of the second game to rest her since she pitched the entire game before. He explained she was not in trouble but he wanted to rotate pitchers and make sure she was rested to start games on Sunday. She said she was fine with that because she was tired after the first game. She played 2 innings in the second game just not as pitcher. We also won that second game.

After the games, our team all went to the hotel and kids got in the pool. All the parents were sitting around a table and one Mom, we’ll call her Lisa, made mention about the prayer and thought it was nice. Amber said she didn’t like it at which point the head coach who was sitting next to her interjected and told her he respected whatever her beliefs are, it didn’t matter to him what their personal beliefs are because that’s her business but he’s also ok if girls want to pray. He mentioned he had teams in the past who wanted to pray before the game and he was fine with that and he was fine if they didn’t want to pray. She said she disagreed with it because it’s a public space and they feel excluded because they do not practice prayer and a majority of the team does. She said she would inform the board and he said she should if she felt the need to do that.

The next day, we figured out that we would be playing that same team again. So, the head coach, now knowing Amber’s feelings on prayer made Kelly Captain, so she would be a part of the coach’s meeting and not the prayer. He was trying to alleviate and pressure she might feel to pray if she didn’t want to while still making her a part of the team. After the rest of the girls were done praying, we resumed games without incidence. Later that day Amber texted the head coach letting him know that she talked to Kelly and Kelly let her know that next time she would rather just participate in the prayer instead of being separate from her team and she didn’t want anyone to treat her differently because she doesn’t pray. The headcoach explained his intent was to alleviate any pressure Kelly might feel to join the prayer and also told her he was here for her and Kelly.

The next day was a scheduled board meeting. The head coach went to give an update on the team. The president asked if there was anything else he’d like to discuss and head coach said no. He brought up that he received an email notifying him about the prayer. They discussed it and presented the facts. I believe the email was also requesting the board put a written policy in place restricting prayer at the softball fields so her daughter and others would not feel excluded or pressured to pray. The board discussed and agreed that they would not being putting a written policy in place around religion because they did not want to infringe on anyone’s religious freedoms. That president also spoke to the commissioner and the commissioner said they would not be adding a written policy on religion. During that meeting another board member asked the head coach if he took playing time away form Kelly because of their beliefs. The president told the head coach did not have to answer that but the head coach insisted on answering and explained that he absolutely did not and would never take away playing time from a player because of their personal beliefs. He explained how she played the entire game following the prayer and he was not aware of Ambers feelings on the prayer until after the second game. He tested Kelly the second game and rotated in another pitcher but she played two innings the second game. The board agreed that was reasonable and did not appear to be discriminatory. It was very shocking to hear that accusation of him taking playing time because Amber never mentioned that to him in their conversations and he wasn’t sure of that other board member misrepresented her.

The next day, Amber said what she said was taken out of context and forwarded him the email she sent to the board. It was way worse. She said in that email that he was aware of her displeasure with the prayer as it was happening. He was not because he was in the coach’s meeting and the other assistant coaches can corroborate that he was not in the dugout when she displayed her contempt for the prayer. She also heavily implied he took playing time away from her daughter because he knew of her displeasure. Also false because he was not aware of that until after the second game. This was very upsetting because he felt she should have talked to him first before making such a demonstrably false accusation. He also did not like that she lied about him being aware of her displeasure as it happened. He spoke to her and she doubled down on the lie and malicious implications. He said he’s not taking issue with their difference of beliefs on prayer but he feels like trust is broken between them now because she lied and tried to assassinate his character. He told her she should have spoke to him about her concerns on her daughter’s playing time before going to the board. She told him she didn’t trust his judgement. He asked her how they could move forward with this coaching relationship when he can no longer trust her. She didn’t have an answer and tried to minimize it by saying this was the first time they had an issue and she hasn’t had issues with coaches before. That’s also a lie because many parents know she took major issue with their last all star coach and complained quite a bit.

Amber is definitely the type who will claim retaliation if the headcoach removes her from the dugout. But I do think, religion aside, there has been a clear breach of trust and so he’s in a tough spot. This issue has branched out into other issues with another family she recruited to back her up. Although the other parent didn’t try to assassinate the head coach’s character and recognized this was an unprecedented issue and the head coach did the best he could in the moment to accommodate everyone.

I think everyone just wants to move on from this and has had enough of the unnecessary drama. One parent, who is also not religious, explained that the solution is simple. Just opt out of the prayer. While they understand her wanting to protect her daughter from feeling pressure to pray or being excluded but you can’t also tell little girls they can’t pray. Her reactions to the prayer could also send a message to the girls that do want to pray that they did something wrong or should feel ashamed of their beliefs. So both sides should be considered. A lot of parents believe the two beliefs can coexist. The other issue to consider is that a number of the girls on the team are Hispanic Catholic/Christian and those optics aren’t great that Amber, a white woman, is trying to dictate when where and how brown skinned Latina girls can pray. I’m sure her intent isn’t to harm an already marginalized community but the impact should be considered.

Thoughts and feelings? How do we stop the bleeding?