Some of you have seen me post before and share a bit of my journey

I go through phases of committing to this heavily and then scaring myself away from my own pleasure. From the euphoria I get from nicotine. Yet it’s what I think about every night when I get off, and what I think about every time I’m in the checkout line and see packs on the shelf

Recently I’ve been traveling a lot, using vacation as an excuse to smoke cigs when nobody I know is around. It’s just a treat if you’re on vacation right? I’ve also been drinking more often too. A little cigarette doesn’t hurt if it’s just social, right? 

Last month on a trip to Vegas, I spent every evening chain smoking on the strip and getting drunk on casino floors (with a cigarette in my hand, of course). No judgement, just smoke on my clothes and nicotine in my blood. The sight of yellow filters in an ashtray by my side. It’s the first time I’ve truly smoked in public and it felt so freeing.

Ever since I’ve kept a pack in my purse at all times. I’m still not smoking every day though. But more often I am. I try not to think about it, then I have a few drinks and smoke 5 in a row on my porch (pictured above). It’s become a comfort to have a pack within reach.

I’ve started finding excuses to go out to bars and smoke on the patio to get my fix. When I’m drunk my inhibitions are lowered and my need for it gets stronger. In those moments I’ve been casually mentioning to acquaintances that I need to buy more cigarettes. It still gives me a thrill every time, it makes me want it more

I hope soon I’ll be smoking every night, no drinks required. Or maybe I’ll just become an alcoholic too. I love the intoxication. And I’m sure soon after that I’ll be sneaking cigs throughout the day when I’m stressed. Or having one… or two… or three as a reward for finishing work. Then I’ll wake up craving it in the morning and not be able to quit. Absolute bliss. 

I can’t seem to escape this. It’s becoming more normal for me, and that’s the first step of nicotine infecting my brain for real. I can feel it happening. I know it is. It scares me. But I still want it.

Tell me to let it take over. Encourage me to let the addiction sink in. I need motivation to give in and want more and ruin myself…. Finally 🖤

Been smoking more often. Think I’m ready to succumb to addiction. Please motivate me to