my dad is an alcoholic and my mom is a cheater.

I’ve never had a good relationship with my dad. My childhood is blurry, and I can’t remember much of it. But the memories I do have of him, starting from around age five or six, are almost always connected to alcohol. I remember nights when he came home drunk, stumbling and falling in front of the house, slamming doors, talking to himself, falling down the stairs, and arguing with my mom.

We would go to family dinners, and he would get drunk there too. I would count the minutes until we could go home, only for him to insist on driving while completely pissdrunk. I remember praying that we would get into a small accident just so he would finally stop.

He’s never been affectionate with me. He never hugged me. He didn’t remember what school I attended or what grade I was in. He constantly belittled my hobbies, the books I read, and my appearance. He fat-shamed me growing up. When I didn’t know how to do makeup, he called me ragged. After I started taking care of myself and wearing makeup, he began implying and sometimes directly saying that I looked like a s**t.

Recently, I learned that he didn’t even know what university department I had been studying in for the past two years, despite the fact that he’s paying for my education at a private university.

One memory that stands out is from when I was around ten years old. I had a bat with a metal tip that I kept beside my bed almost every night because I was afraid he might hurt my mother. I wanted to be prepared in case I needed to protect her.

A few years ago, my parents had a major fight. They made an agreement that my dad would only drink on Saturdays. Then it became Wednesdays and Saturdays. Then every other day. Eventually, it became every day again, except this time he was drinking at home.

Now I’m back from university for summer break, and I can barely tolerate being around him.

He comments on everything I do, my body, my clothes, my makeup, the way i speak. Even when he’s sober, it’s exhausting. When he’s drunk, it’s worse. He starts arguments that don’t even make sense, like a small child looking for a fight. He judges me for going to concerts, spending time with friends, and having a social life. I think part of it comes from the fact that he’s extremely antisocial himself.

He’s a well known and accomplished man in our city, but over time I’ve realized that very few people in his close circle can actually tolerate him. He almost never leaves the house anymore.

Things have become even harder because my mom is currently staying with my sister after she gave birth. Now I’m alone in the house with him, and I’m the only person available for him to direct his behavior toward.

I live in a constant state of stress. I’m always listening for sounds in case he falls, hurts himself, or comes to my room to bother me. I even moved my bedroom upstairs because I didn’t want to be on the same floor as him.

The complicated part is that I know he loves me in his own way. He pays for my education. If I were in trouble, he would help me. He would do anything to protect his daughters. But I can’t tolerate his behavior anymore.

My feelings toward my mother are complicated too.

As far as I know, she’s been having an affair for around eight years. My sisters and I confronted her twice in the past after finding messages and photos on her phone. A few weeks ago, I discovered that she’s still involved with the same man she was involved with three or four years ago. I haven’t confronted her this time.

I hate her for cheating. I hate her for being passive. I hate her for being emotionally cold and negative as a mother. But at the same time, I can’t completely blame her for the affair considering what life with my father has been like. That conflict makes me feel sick to my stomach.

At this point, I don’t know how to live in this house anymore.

I’ve become emotionally distant from both of my parents. Even simple conversations with them make me anxious. I can’t comfortably hug my mother, and I get nervous whenever I think about hugging my father before returning to university.

Beyond my family situation, I feel like my ability to process emotions has become numb. I’m never fully happy, sad, or angry.

I’ve become hypersexual and have put myself in dangerous and traumatic situations. The strange thing is that I don’t think I’ve fully processed any of it. Sometimes I tell my friends about things that happened to me while smiling, and they react with shock and concern. That’s when I realize that what I’m describing isn’t normal.

I feel detached from my own life.

I’m failing classes and doing nothing about it. I don’t feel like answering my friends. I get irritated by people very easily. I’m struggling with my body image, my confidence, and weight gain.

I feel stuck between anger, exhaustion, and numbness, and I don’t know how to move forward.