How do I [23f] come to terms with knowing that my bf [31m] doesn’t like my body

My boyfriend and I haven’t been together long we are coming up on two years barley this July and we already have a 1 year old and another on the way. (I know) at first things were going good he made me feel secure and loved and never made me even question him about anything. Until 5 months after our baby was born things began to change. It started with him admitting to me that he was blocking and unblocking his previous relationship and some how my information was leaked to her (I keep a very low profile on social media) when I asked him why is he doing that because it comes off disrespectful to me he wouldn’t give me anything else except “idk it doesn’t matter” and it all went down hill from there.

Now it’s months later and after multiple arguments and genuine attempts at just calm communication, that feels impossible, my trust for him has plummeted. He’s gotten a new job and now isn’t ok with me even holding his phone, even tho I have NEVER, gone through it or joked about it anything. When I say it’s suspicious he calls me toxic and that I can’t respect boundaries. So I’m ashamed to say I started looking through it while he slept. As everyone could guess this made things worse. I seen all the women he searches and the thirst traps he finds and memorized so he can keep going back to. He is tech savvy and generally knows how to be secretive but there’s always gonna be a slip up even small. I kept finding them little by little. A big issue was he was looking up his coworker a lot and I still don’t know how to bring it up.

Now I’m no skinny woman I wouldn’t say I ever have been when he met me I was MUCH lighter and my body was ‘tighter’ I had a little fupa but still had a hourglass shape. Now it’s different I had complications with our son during pregnancy and it caused me to gain around 80 ish pounds and after I developed some medical issues that made it difficult to lose that weight and I gained a little more. I don’t look like how I used to I know that. The women he looks up they are beautiful don’t get me wrong but they are the furthest from me. He looks at tiny women with nonexistent waists. It makes me feel horrible about myself. Our sex life has changed drastically and I’ve tried asking him honestly if he wanted this anymore and he says yes. But none of it feels genuine anymore. I saw a message he sent to his best friends and it said “this is my first big girl I’ve dated and it’s great she isn’t insecure and only want to cuddle and snack” that was the closest thing to a compliment about me and it makes it seem like I was meant to be an experience. I USED to not be insecure and I have to say things have changed. If he is unhappy why not say that and we can coparent and keep our friendship it would hurt me but it’s better than feeling unwanted in my own home.

TLDR: my boyfriend and father of now two children makes me feel like I was meant to be and experience as a ‘bigger woman’ that lasted too long and love to look up very small and skinny (yes beautiful) woman and it hurts me a lot and I don’t know how to cope