Week 1 Update

Hey there!

I'm on my second attempt doing the TAW. Last time, I kinda quit around week 3 because life happened and I couldn't go on with it. Plus, some tasks from week 1 triggered me, and I got stuck with them and felt like I cannot move on from them.

After a 7-month break, here I am again, with my second attempt.

This time I want to talk about it more openly. Hence, the post.

I'm having a hard time with the task of imaginary lives. Because I have no idea what I want to do, what I want to be, what I want to become, etc. It just triggers me in a way that "Oh shit, everyone has it all figured out and I'm here just existing while not knowing what I want from life," or I just cannot find another occupation that would interest me. After overthinking this topic for a while, on my previous attempt, I got depressed, and I just said, yeah fuck it. I still have no idea for that, but I'm more relaxed this time because I have read that I don't need to finish all the tasks and I just come back to them later on. I was thinking lately I might want to have a social media job, so maybe I should try to act like a content creator/influencer? I may try, although everything inside my head screams "You suck at editing and you suck at creating" and that is probably my censor and blurt.

Another thing that I have realized more clearly this time is how the morning pages lead me to dig into the past and relive some moments. I keep talking about the past all the time, the things I have done wrong, the regrets that I have, and occasionally I write about what I want from the future.

This brings me to the second topic that I had in mind.

The leader of my monster hall of fame is my ex-bf. I want to tell everything, every story related to him that changed me. I want to talk about it out loud, how he discouraged me in every step of the way, how he insulted me in as many ways as he could, how he was basically just mean to me. I have so much hatred, so much grudge that I cannot move past that, and when I do the morning pages, he is all I can talk about, like he is flowing out of my subconscious. I want him out of my system, and I really hope that this way I can get him out. Don't understand me wrong, I am not hung up on him, I just happen to have some feelings about him close to anger and hatred. The relationship has been over for 4 years now. I just do not understand why those emotions surface the moment I start writing the morning pages.

So anyway, feel free to share your experience!

I'm curious to see if there is another person whose lead monster is an ex-partner and how you guys are dealing with it.