I’m in a relationship but I watched porn to see how couples have sex

I don’t watch porn like ever. It makes me feel so empty and there’s a part of me that hates it.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now and he never touches me. It’s always about his own pleasure. Not even penetration, because I don’t want to take pills and he doesn’t enjoy having a condom on.

I’ve been neglected for over one year now. I feel used. I love everything about our relationship but I never look forward to us getting sexual. He makes me do things I’m not being comfortable with for his own pleasure and we’re about to meet tomorrow and I got a little panic attack today… I love him and I see my partner for life in him but I don’t know how to talk with him about it atp. He’s always saying that „he didn’t know I felt like this” that he’s „sorry” or that he should’ve probably „jerk me off sometimes too”. But when he gets hard it’s like he forgets about everything. I get the job done, and that’s when everything ends.

I went on pornhub and searched for real couples making love and I saw everything that’s missing in my relationship. The kisses, the loving words, the cuddles, the after care. And also the man focusing on his woman’s pleasure. I wasn’t even horny or anything, it just made me sob. Later I threw up… I don’t want to meet him tomorrow at all.

I don’t want to break up with him. I know I can’t do that. I just want him to take care of me in bed. I really want to feel loved and not like a sex toy.