I don’t know what state I’m in.

Assalamu alaikum.

I’m writing this because I don’t know what is happening to me, and I don’t know how to name this state.

I’m a Muslim woman. my faith feels like it has gone downhill badly. I used to believe in Allah more strongly, and I used to believe things would get better. Now I don’t feel like they will. I feel like every day is just going to get worse. I try to make dua but I can’t. I feel as if I don’t have the right. I feel like allah is mad when I do because of what I’ve done:

I’m not planning to take my own life. The main thing stopping me is fear of Allah. But I also can’t honestly say I want to live. I don’t know when I’m going to die, but I feel like I can’t wait for it. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but I’m trying to be honest.

I feel numb most of the time. Things that typically invoke strong reactions from me don’t anymore/ I feel disgusted by my body. I hate feeling my skin. I hate feeling my face. I don’t even want to move my face because I don’t want to feel my face moving; it feels disgusting to me. I avoid mirrors now. I hate my family looking at my face. I don’t want to be perceived.

It doesn’t feel like normal sadness. It feels like my body is something I’m trapped inside of, and I feel detached from myself. Sometimes being ill even feels good, because it feels like I have a reason to disappear or stop existing normally or it eludes to my end.

I’m not asking for pity. I’m not asking to be shamed or told I’m a bad Muslim. I already feel far from everything, including myself and my faith. I’m asking because I still care enough to ask: Islamically, what should someone do when they feel this hopeless, numb, disgusted by their own body, and disconnected from Allah?

Are there any duas, Quran verses, hadiths, or practical steps that helped you when you felt spiritually dead or emotionally numb? How do you keep praying when your heart feels completely shut off?

Please make dua for me.