Idk

How did I end up here? Was it desperation? Anger? I don't know. I've grown up too fast. Too young.

I've been doing good. I said to myself. 3 years ago I'll be bed rotting, neglecting myself, and self-hatred. I was neglected and then grew up in the hands of a dysfunctional family.

I was taught that silence and obedience is the only thing keeping things happy and normal in the surface. If you don't follow, you'll either get hurt or threatened.

Anyway. I don't have the strength to explain my situation or what I've been through. Just. I need help. Was it pathetic begging like this? Idk.

I tried letting people know, but somehow they made this just.. a normal and not that deep of a situation.

I don't know.. You know? I haven't depressive thoughts because I've been actively trying to improve myself. I've been even active and keeping up with my studies with the goal one day to leave and gain my independence because how will I get better in the place that poisoned me?

Today's situation just really triggered me. Especially I've been having mental breakdowns due to anxiety and worry for my sick cat.

I don't know. Everytime I tried to spit out the words, it feels like I'm just dragging out my body that is shackled.

Anyway. I confronted my mom about giving my cat more food when he has sensitive stomach and has to eat smaller meals or he'll throw up again. She got mad. Because I tried communicating? She threatened to k!11 my cat. She threw a slipper at me.

I just ran up. I tried. Honestly. I tried to not let it affect me but I find myself in the bathroom, staring blankly at the running water. Thoughts I'm so familiar with. Even if they aren't actively making me do something rn, they're weighting on me. They're like seeping into my bones. My close friend reacted nothing to my situation. I've been with her through her toughest times? Do I have to say please help me for her to recognize what I'm feeling? Do I have to cry? Why can't she see it in my words like how I see hers in her words? I even talked to my dad about my mom. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just need this to get out. Google keep suggesting hotlines but it feels.. awkward. Would they understand? I don't know. I don't know.

Despite all of this I don't want to go. My cat needs me. I want to continue just to see him live well and happy. He can be bratty and picky all he wants. I don't know. I still want that future where I am finally away from everything.

I'm sorry. I keep saying this. I don't know.