Stammering->StudyingHardForEntraceExam->BestFriendMurder->IntrusiveThoughts(OCD)->BrainFog+Depression->WeirdThoughtsIdeas(Hallucination)(Scrizophrenic)->END_LIFE_PLAN->PLAN_FAILED->DecidedThisSecondLifeIsDevineGiftSoLiveForBest->BestLifeEverNow

I’m sharing my backstory because I know there are a lot of people in this world who are unhappy, fed up with their lives, or don’t want to live anymore. I believe God wants you to read my story right now. My goal is to reach out and help save those who are trapped in the same dark place I used to be, just as I was saved.

I will keep it as short as possible even though there are a lot of things. I think using bullet points will be better to not go deep into detail and just state the Highlights.

• Grew up as a stutter. You know the anxiety, depression, loneliness that comes along with it.
• Stuttering Peaked in 9th Class. There was this Breathlessness, Choked feeling in Chest, Hands would go too Cold (When I check my Forehead - it feels too hot), headaches, bad depressed Mood in School especially whenever I sensed an upcoming expectation for me to speak. There was also this weird Shivering of Body especially Hands. (Giving Attendance Moments were Deadly!)
• My only relief was playing Football in evening with Friends and so I also kept improving in that. I also became very religious, started going Church Everyday Morning for Mass, started reciting long prayers before sleeping. Strong Spiritual Connection was formed which I could feel and sense which calmed me and helped me face everything.
• There was long Holiday Gap between 9th and 10th which was a lot of relief and fun with my Football Friends. However, 10th class was about to start and I started praying Everyday to somehow shut up school 😅 and out of nowhere, Corona came to the Rescue and actually shut up School. Online classes. Thank You, GOD! Even our board exams got cancelled. Unlike Others, Corona made my life so comforting as long as it was there.
• However, Offline classes started and my Stutter was way more intense. I did not believe in getting jobs in future as I could in no way clear interviews. Meanwhile, I was getting better in Football. Due to the immense pressure of School and other factors, I decided to run away from home & school to Jamshedpur or Kolkata and start training seriously taking Football as my career, as there was nothing else I was comfortable or loved. Football was my only passion.
• My Runaway plan was set. Running away with some money in the shelf to Kolkata and find the path from there, only to return after finding success and being stronger and powerful. Also, I had Faith in God as I was praying everyday and also he had been replying to my prayers positively like Shut Down of School.

I will go more short now as I don’t want to make it too long. You can assume missings yourself or can ask.

• Days before plan, met a cousin brother in a marriage who introduced me to IITs as he was studying there.
• Found out that IITs had Football Coaches as well as IIT Bombay played in Mumbai Football League Division 2. I cancelled my runaway plan as I dreamed of Joining this and also because My parents loved me a lot and I didn’t want to hurt them. However, It was not easy, I had to study hard and get an Insanely high rank in JEE Exams to get admission here. Anyway, I decided to start studying for this.
• Started Studying rigorously, passionately and also enjoying at the same time as Football and Studying were my only relief. My Morning School would destroy my Soul and After Coming back - Studying and Football Healed me and both became my Passion : Football and Studying for IIT. I started this studying from 11th class second half through ALakh Sir YT video making notes and designing my own strategy, and by the end of 11th, I emerged as the Topper of 11th Science Batch with only 4 months of proper study.
• My stutter also reduced, My IIT aim was on Fire going smoothly and I began Enjoying life more. Mindset Improved. And from here till my 12th mid was my most zealous and enjoyed moments in spite of the stutter. But it is here that something happens.

I attached NSFW due to the next events.

• My School Best Friend got Murdered along with his Family. (The details and assosciated events are chilling and there are some things only I know. I feel it is crucial to share them to understand later events however I can’t as there are suspects still alive)
• I understood I couldn’t do anything about it but decided to Work on myself. Amplified my ambitions of securing AIR 1 and for that I made the decision to study till 3 am. And take 20-40min power naps spaced accross the day to compensate for that. My JEE Exams for IIT was after 6 months.
• This was my worst decision as I used to wake up to go to church every morning 5:30 am. So, I only used to get 2hrs of good sleep and the naps didn’t make up much.
• My passion and dedication was massively strong so I actually followed my timetable consistently. However, I had no idea how terribly it was going to affect me and my dreams.
• After 3 months of consistently following my timetable (that meant consistent epic sleep depriviation), something strange happened. While solving a question, I felt vibrations in my chest → quickly jumped to the bed → felt sudden paralysed or unconcious or maybe slept I don’t know.
• Later when started my question practice session, On thinking the solution to the question, suddenly my close Friend who died pops up in my mind. I ignore it and again focus on the question and the next moment he pops up again. His image, His thoughts, the sus behaviours of past, everything keep revolving around my head.

This was the starting of the Dark Days, I will go shortest possible from here as things are going to get creepy and scary:

• I couldn’t study that day due to these intrusive thoughts on him, his family images etc.
• I couldn’t study the next day. I couldn’t study that week. I couldn’t study the next week. Gradually, the intrusive thoughts related to him transformed into intrusive thoughts on anything possible : Religious, Sexual, Weird and literally anything like seeing everything as Cartoon Characters. I see random realistic scenes and images. Like looking at a lonely road and seeing scary accidents while no accidents happened.
• BrainFog, Hallucinations, weird thoughts (But some thoughts I had in this period was eerily spectacular ,legendary and out-of-the-box viewpoints that I still follow today. One among that was I stopped being religious and stopped long prayers. However, became highly spiritual and did small prayers.
• I started sleeping on time. I became afraid of facing people and hid everything from the family as I was still in my room pretending to study during my study timetable but was actually searching for ways to become normal again.
• As far as I can remember, I was researching and discovering on why was all these happening : is it due to my Dead Friend’s spirit or his families’ or my Sleep Deprievation or due to some demonic Attacks, and also on how to save myself and become normally again. I remember writing a lot of theories and motivational stuff on my secret hidden notes app. I even remember performing a late Night Excorcism on myself seeing a YT Video of some pastor believing that I had demons in me.
• So to sum up, from Class 11th mid to 12th end, I worked hard and studied with all the effort I could to get into IIT, to ace my JEE Exams. However, The most crucial last 3 months I could not study at all or very less. All my dreams shattered, All the Hard Work for Nothing. All the Sacrifices for Nothing. I was Massively Depressed and traumatized over my life.
• I understood I could not even think clearly or focus on something I wanted. I lost all hopes for Future, didn’t want to continue this suffering and decided to end life. Made plans of at least Ending my life successfully. [I cut crucial 2 points from here as it is graphically sensitive enough for mods to remove post. For those interested can access the full version from my profile pinned post]
• I failed in even this.
• I just gave up on everything. Continued my Life as it was going. Before each Board exam, I would motivate myself and will study even though it was insanely hard. Studied for just 3 days before Jee-Main 1 and JEE-Main 2 by watching One Shot Videos.
• Result Day arrived and I had no enthusiasm or spirit left to check it. However, My parents checked and unexpectedly, to my suprise, I got a 4 digit rank which is a great Achievement. I was overjoyed but also regretted as I ruminated periodically even during the exam, ,made silly mistakes and could have signifcantly improved my result. I still am amused by this and believe that it happened as just 3 months ago I was Working Hard, Giving Efforts Sacrificing Everything and Strategically that I had trained my brain Massively to solve JEE MAIN Paper. However, as JEE Advanced was after around 5-6 months, I forgot most of the concepts, I could not even clear it. However, My JEE Main rank was enough to get me a CS seat in NIT (National Institute of Technology) and this was the game changer.
• After around 1 Year of normal sleep and almost improving a lot mentally. I was enjoying the nature around, reading great inspirational life stories and feeling very good living in this Great World that have had Great People and Amazing Great Stories. I promised myself to dedicate this new life for trying out Various things, take risks, Face Embarassment and stuttering struggles with smile and confidence as it is not at all close to the trauma of Intrusive thoughts OCD, Schrizophrenic Hallucinations as at least your mind listens to you if not your mouth. I decided to be active, Hard Working, Facing My Fears and Challenging them, Ignoring all Negative Emotions and even Enjoying them as well as Enjoying life as well as having fun, as I should have been dead already, but I’m still here for this mission by God : To Be the Best my Bloodline has ever become.
• Now’s the Best Part,

1. 1st Year of College:
   Overcome Stutter, made some very good friends, good memmories, enjoyed a lot.

2. 2nd Year of College:
   completely eliminated OCD(+maybe schrizo) related issues, No stutter at all (just some that is seen normal), started focusing on CS Career (Web D) and Coding CP.

3. 3rd Year of College: Started Gym, Built Aesthetic Physique, Improved CS Skills

4. 4th Year of College just Starting now, My target:
   CS Career, Improve English Speaking Skills, decided to get active to help people facing simillar past like me.

Now, it feels like heaven compared to the past and every day is an adventure. People consider me as the coolest guy in college and am enjoying beyond limits. I’ve decided to step up and get active because I want to give back and guide those who are facing a past similar to mine. I created r/DailySpeechPractice to build a community specifically designed to support people who stutter and anyone looking to level up their communication. We will achieve this through structured daily speaking practice with a community of like-minded people. We are waiting for our first 1,000 members to join before we launch full execution, come be a part of the foundation!

If you made it all the way to the end, I love you for it. Your patience shows you have the exact same hunger and passion that my past self had. Thank you for giving me the space to share my story and relive my journey. I have so much more to say and definitely missed some things, but I don’t want to make this post too long. If you are looking for practical steps, I have already posted the exact strategies I used to conquer my stutter on my profile.

I wish the absolute best future to everyone here. To the ones who are currently struggling: please remind yourself that this is temporary. Good days are on the way!