help

kinda confuseddddd, help me

oke so 20F here, so njaanm ente bfum ipo actually kinda in a relationship (wasnt like that few months back) we got into relationship for the first time when we both were 15 or smth (classmates aayrnnu)

and then after few months thanne for some childish stupid reason we had to breakup, actually i used to get annoyed by smth silly ivn chythathil and whenever im annoyed i used to go n tell him “we should break up” i admit that was so stupid but that 15yo girl was stupid aah angane apo one time ts attention seeking thing got serious he got fed up and njngl breakupaaayi but i liked him even after that,
also we used to be really good friends even before our relationship and also breakupaayenu sheshavm

and then like after 1.5 years or smth he got into another relationship and i was really sad about that(he clearly did move on) and then pine ath engno breakupaayi (smth fam issue) and ya were back to friends(njn nanma maram aayathaaanu emotional support okke kodth) i really loved him aa timil and we became close again like really close after 8-9 months (njn erinju nokki avn veenu type shi but i clearly made sure that the other girl (his ex) is not gettin hurt in any way, in fact she moved on really quick from him) but apolum ivn edk vann entedth paryum i miss her enokke apo enikm sankadam aavum pinne enthokko paranj ath ozhivaaavum, it was kinda hard for me like those 8-9 months, tbh avn vere girl aayt relationship aan enn accepteynenekaaalm hard aayrnnu, and one day i thought everythings good bw us and he might have feelings for me ennokke vech nikkmbo dhe verunnu veeendm “i miss her” , that really annoyed me and i decided to stop everything, like slowly njn distance idaaan thodngi

(BTW avnu njn vere rltnshipil aavanam ennokke vaynkara agraham aanu tto like he wished the best for me, he found a good clg for me applied there for me and all, and he even told me find a really good guy from there and live yo life happily and shi)

angane distance itt nikkmblaaan a senior from my clg (lets call him “A GUY”) was interested in me for a date and i shared this w him and he was like pokko he looks good, build a good life if hes good and full support apo njn karthi povaam enn but somehow i wasn’t interested in him hes a good guy but still idk and this A GUY loved me and he begged me to date him for like atleast one week or smth and angane koreeee shi happened but pine randomly oru day (we stopped talking after this A GUY came) he was like

“if ninte matte rltnship enthelm patiyaaal ill be here for u please come to me ik im toooooooo late but i really love u n shi”

it actually felt genuine like he was like ik i told u to go n be w him but i realized i need u in my life n all

i was really really confused and heartbroken ngl cuz by this time im dating this A GUY and i cant do anything but anyways my mind took that decision to go back to him by ending that shi w A GUY

and its been 7 months now and were still in a relationship but idk smth feels off idk whats that but we both know were lwk not compatible we do love each other no matter what, we both put equal efforts its kinda ldr tho but we do see each other once or twice in a month

whtv i feel like this is not the way we both want to get loved, i genuinely love him no doubt in that, but i feeel like im a really bad gf when it comes to having HIM as my bf, when i was dating that A GUY i was pretty much chill and unbothered but rn im not chill little things matters to me, i get upset over silly things idk if its because i love him toooo much i crave his attention and validation sm,

ath rltnshipil aalaatha timilm angane aayrnnu cuz for me hes kinda cool so gettin validation from him was a big deal for me, even iplum
orumaathiri moviesilokke kaanunna annoying gfs ille, i lwk feel like i belong to that group, but idk how to be a good girlfriend sathyam paranja i wanna be his home type of person but enik arayaaanmela njn paraynathum cheynathum okke adi aavm, njn vichaarika polm cheyaaatha karyathinte mele aan adi aava edk and same happens w him too

idk if its cuz of this age or cuz first love aayond aano ennonnm but for both of us it sometimes feel very exhausting and tiring but somehow we sort things together but this feeling is not going away and idk how to be a really good gf for him, idk if i should end all ts and let him find his own happiness and peace or stick to this, im clearly not his type btw but still he loves me so much, similarly i cant say hes not my type he is lwk my type but im not sure if this is what i need in my life, im really scared that if ill end up being that depressed wife