Lost my person, thought I was better.

This week was the first week in three months that I finally got to see my person in person. But I fucked it up. We went out for dinner and had a few drinks after two nights ago and something blew up and I don’t know what. he said I became physically aggressive in the car and started saying mean things on the way home. And it got increasingly worse from there. I’ve never been in this kind of a physical confrontation with a partner, even during an emotional drinking night it’s never became physical. I’ve had heavy emotional night after drinking with a partner but this was more than that. It was physical and I am absolutely ashamed of myself. He changed his flight and left early today. The day in between was difficult. It was quite like we knew things we both did were bad. I wanted to tell him over and over again I was sorry. But sorry only does so much. I just sat with the silence. I don’t have any fight left in me. Plus I won’t beg to repair because I don’t think it’s fair to them.

I was working so hard in therapy focusing on my root traumas. I was feel so good, better about myself, sure I was on the up side of this and managing my emotions far better than I ever have. And then in a night it all seemed to vanish. I don’t even know what I was mad at him about, he wouldn’t tell me directly.

Either way I’ve lost them. I felt so disconnected from him the day after, like we just were exhausted and at a loss. It is a loss. Not because they were my FP, I didn’t really feel like that after all the time we spent apart. It felt like love. When things were good it was so nice. It was very harmonious. So I thought. But this night out after dinner and drinks, my behaviors, my reaction. It ruined everything I was working so hard to not ever let happen again.

I went 6 months without any thing of this extent happening.

Now I’m here at a loss. I lost them. I lost my progress. I feel terrible and now I have to live with it. This is a moment in time I know will haunt me for a very long time.