l'm fucked up

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Mentally not okay and haven't been okay in a really long time. I thought after some time l'd eventually get better but it's been years and I'm still not okay. have these terrible thoughts in my head that now a normal person shouldn't have. I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling lost, numb and worthless. I'm tired of constantly fighting to survive. I'm only here fora few people that care about me and even though have people still feel alone. The loneliness I feel never goes away. I'm always asking myself why I am like this? Why can't I be happy? Maybe happiness just isn't for me. I need to stop lying to myself and accept that never, be okay. That my life is meaningless and the terrible thoughts will eventually win.