A little over three years ago, my (25F) ex-girlfriend (30F) of 4 years actively tried to take my life by strangulation. Over an empty packet of cigarettes. I should have bolted that day, but somehow I didn’t, and she ended up cheating on me the same year too. And while she has since been long gone from my life, the scar she left feels permanent. And right now, I don’t know how much longer I can take it without losing my sanity.

Because over the past three years and counting, I’ve endured a daily battle with PTSD and anxiety, caused by this ‘incident’, among other occassions of domestic violence at her hand. I feel like a husk of the careless, cheerful woman I once was. At my worst, I was severely underweight, had regular nightterrors, and crippling panic attacks on the daily. The simplest tasks felt like impossible obstacles. Things I used to enjoy, would now terrify me. And while I hope the worst of that is behind me, I’ve yet to be cleared to go back to work again. To go back to actually ‘living’, instead of surviving. And given how much I’ve struggled these past years to gain some sense of control back over my life, I’m starting to think it will never return to normal again.

I’ve tried nearly everything there is, except medication as I’m not fond of them. EMDR, CBT, Hypnotherapy, writing letters to my ex I know I’d never send, actually reaching out to my ex for answers I know I’d never get, moving on and into a new relationship with what I think is the literally embodiment of an angel. All while still feeling stuck in the past. And this adds a whole new layer to the shame, guilt and anguish of being a ‘broken individual’. I often feel like my girlfriend deserves so much more than this empty vessel who panics whenever she smells cigarette smoke or alcohol, or who will wimper in a corner during an argument, because she’s afraid of being struck again.

I just want my old self back, but as time is passing, my hope is dwindling. I miss her, but I worry she died, the day I almost did too.

Below-average-quality frozen pizza, don’t come at me because there’s pineapple on it.

I almost became a statistic. I don’t know how to return from this.