Hard to watch: Too close to home

I grew up in circumstances starkly similar to Niall’s, and it’s making it hard to get through the show.

Warning: long post lol

I grew up mostly as a single child until my half-brother returned from the Marines when I was 16 and he was 30. He had always struggled with his mental health, and I think my mom felt guilty for leaving him with his dad while she went off to raise me in a different country. He had unmedicated bipolar and severe anger issues. It started in his teens, and he was known to have violent outbursts and manic episodes fairly frequently. My mom had her own host of issues, which I’ve come to believe include borderline personality and severe anxiety. She would often lash out at me, which already created a tense environment at home. On top of everything, I was gay, so that was always a cudgel that hung in the air, ready to be used against me at a moment’s notice.

My brother moved into the living room and completely took over, making it virtually unusable, similar to how Ruben took over Niall’s room. In an attempt to turn me straight, my brother once even pulled out his porn stash and had me watch a bunch of videos with him, similar (but not nearly as wild) as the sexual assault early in the series.

My brother probably felt resentful of his status as the black sheep, and probably looked at me as the “golden child.” He would often criticize the way I spoke to my mom, the things she’d allow me to do, etc. That created an even more tense environment.

The day that changed everything started because I turned the thermostat down. We lived in Florida and it would get really hot inside, but he had it instilled from his dad that the temperature inside shouldn’t ever get too cold—and that he should always be in control of it. After a back and forth about the temperature, he finally lost it. He grabbed me and punched me in the face repeatedly. I was on the floor, and so much blood came out that I thought I might die. I managed to get out from underneath him for a few seconds. I opened the door and screamed bloody murder. Someone must’ve heard me, because a few minutes later, a half a dozen police cruisers lined our quiet suburban street. I got taken to the hospital, where my mother immediately proceeded to blame me for “provoking” him because I “know how he gets.”

(Funny side: at the hospital. My mom just sat there distraught, and I berated her for allowing him into our home knowing about his issues. Some rookie female cop overheard our conversation and started blaming me, a teenager, for disrespecting my mother while I sat there with a bloody face, if you can imagine. Cops 🙄)

The state prosecuted my brother for domestic abuse, and he had to finally move out. This all happened my senior year of high school, so it was tough trying to transition out of high school, and out of my childhood home, into college while this court case played out back home.

I related a lot to Niall here, trying to escape an abusive family dynamic during a difficult moment of transition. My mom also tried to pressure me to put an end to the prosecution, much like Niall’s mom did. She told me that I was ruining his chances of getting back into the Marines, and begged me crying to call the state and drop the charges. I finally did just to keep the peace.

I haven’t spoken to him since that day 13 years ago, even though he’s made a few attempts to reach me on socials. I can still see his deranged look while he pounded my face with his fist.

Needless to say, it’s been incredibly difficult for me to get through this show. I basically watch an episode every few days, and I still haven’t seen the finale. Sometimes I’m torn by the emotionally exploitative nature of the series, and the glee it takes in frightening Niall and emphasizing Ruben’s violence. At the same time, I’m glad something like this exists, because it very accurately portrays the toxic family dynamic that protects abusers and blames victims. For some reason, we really do have more empathy for abusers who can’t control their emotions than we do for victims who finally stand up to themselves.

I also really commend Richard for exploring the psychosexual elements of a relationship like that. They’re very much present, especially when one brother is coming to terms with his sexuality, but probably even without that, due to the push and pull of machismo, trauma and family bonding