Struggling

Not even after advice here really, I’m just having a rant. I had some minor bladder issues and an undiagnosed fistula for 15 years (abscess in the tissues between vagina and rectum that tunnelled its way towards my coccyx and burst through) after a botched vaginal birth repair. Two more births weakened things a bit further. The fistula was finally diagnosed via MRI after yearly/half-yearls A&E self-admissions from 2009 onwards, where I’d be sent home with pain relief and some antibiotics ‘just in case’. It was repaired gradually between Nov 20022 and March 2024-seton drain, cutting seton and then a fistulotomy. Unbelievably painful. 
During this time I was complaining of prolapse type symptoms, although initially ignored, and was sent for a proctogram in March 2023, which identified a 4.5cm rectocele. Consultant said they wouldn’t be operating on this, as it wasn’t severe enough. I was already complaining of significant pain, pressure, losing mucous and having to splint/digitate to go to the toilet for some time but in the 18 months following this, it got much worse very quickly. I asked maybe 5/6 times to be reviewed only to be told ‘lots of women have this and learn to cope with it’ and that I needed to keep following my biofeedback advice, eat probiotic yogurt, eat enough fibre…all the usual. Consultant refused several times to do another proctogram saying they wouldn’t re-test before 4 years due to hospital policy (funding in other words). 

After lots of tears and a refusal to simply go away quietly, he begrudgingly referred me for another proctogram, simply to shut me up. I was seen two weeks ago and the lady carrying out the test had to move me around in different positions on the chair because my ‘anatomy doesn’t look normal’ and is what they call a ‘full house’. Results are back and I have a grade 3 rectocele, enterocele and a grade 5 rectal prolapse. I’m furious! Had I not put my foot down I’d have been left to suffer. I now don’t know if my prolapse has actually got so much worse unusually quickly or if they just didn’t pick up all other issues properly during the first scan, so will be asking for my case to be reviewed. 

On top of this my husband (diagnosed depression/ADHD and a porn addict/workaholic at the time) had an affair. Discovery was in July 2024, four months after my final fistula surgery and had been going on for 18 months. He knew the agony I was in and how much my confidence was through the floor. We were having sex during this time when I wasn’t actively healing from surgery and he wore no protection despite me having such intimate surgery, eventually giving me an STI. I was saying to him at the time that things felt different ‘down there’ for me, sex caused LOTS of noises (IYKNY), pain/pressure and embarrassment. To find his messages telling her how amazing she felt (he now says this was ‘just what you say in the moment’ and all part of the performance to keep the ego kibbles coming) and how I only want to have sex in ‘boring positions’ (obviously wasn’t feeling my best with a 2.5 inch bright red surgical thread hanging out my rear end) has traumatised me in a way I’m struggling to come back from. I already have PTSD from childhood SA and an affair in my previous relationship. We haven’t been intimate since it all came out due to this. I just can’t. He’s doing everything to try and make it right and is beyond remorseful but the emotional damage is immense, all on top of physical issues. 

Life just feels very heavy right now. I’d walk if I knew I’d be ok medically but the thought of being with anyone else intimately knowing I have all these issues makes me want to sob. Staying and bejng triggered by the thought of him comparing me to her also makes me sob. If we divorce, I lose all the military pension he earned while I stayed and worked part time at home while bringing up our family if anything happens to him (he has attempted before). If an operation doesn’t fix me properly and I’m still in as much pain later down the line as I am now I’ll struggle to work if I’m by myself. I feel screwed every which way and every choice is hard-it is simply a case of trying to pick which hard. Anyone else gone through similar, especially with betrayal involved at the time of prolapse woes, and can relate to the emotions? I don’t know anyone in a similar situation and it’s an incredibly lonely experience.