sa from a parent

hi, i‘m an eighteen year old from germany and i‘m pretty sure i was abused as a preteen

My parents got divorced when I was ten years old. My dad got his own apartment not long after, which was a studio with only one bed. I obviously did not move in with him, but i slept at his house on weekends. Usually we‘d spend some time at his store that he owned, then went home, ate something and watched a movie or show until one of us fell asleep.

A few months after the divorce, i started feeling more connected to him. He used to tell me that he was the only one who truly understood me, and so on. I was abused by my mother anyway and my siblings moved out years ago, so i didn’t really have anybody besides him.

It started with simple comments like: „I don’t need a new wife when i have you“ and weird comments about my body and forcing me to wear more revealing clothes. But then he got too comfortable. He‘d masturbate while we were in bed together. Keep in mind he didn’t get me my own bed until two years later.

Anyway, i would tell him to not be so loud and he‘d purposely ask me: „Why? What am i doing?“ while laughing. I would just try to block the noises and movements out by closing my eyes and listening to music with my headphones.

This started becoming routine. Every weekend he‘d masturbate while i was next to him. Not even hiden, he‘d make sure that i was aware and i never realised that it was wrong.

It got worse when I got my own bed. It was infront of his own bed and next to the tv. He started watching porn which was on a big screen and pretty loud. As always, i would ignore it and try to listen to really loud music. I think it really fucked me up in the head, because whenever i lay down and someone lays down next to me i start hyperventilating and i get really mad. I never told anyone about it, i never even wrote it down in my diary or in my notes app because i was too ashamed.

When I was fourteen my mom got a letter from the police. They said that my dad was in a cp groupchat on telegram, and that he‘s been in it since I was nine years old. After that she forbid me from seeing him and i haven‘t been to his house ever since.