I feel like a bad son, a bad person

i like her, i dont know when i started liking her. the first time i saw her i just thought yeah she is beautiful, but nothing more and now i can't stop thinking about her. i tried to ignore these feelings up until now, but i guess this ignoring made them even stronger.

for context i am in a uni which is, well ... classified as a 'mehengi' uni. mehengi or not, the students there are mostly from high class families, and i am from upper middle class at best, my parents hardly pay the fees, I couldn't secure a scholarship.

i hardly study, fool around and it makes me feel worse cz on top of hardly studying now i even like a girl. I don't know anything about her family background, don't know much about her. I don't want a relationship, it's haram, but i also want to be with her, I can't marry either, i am still dependent on my parents, i dont know if she even likes me.

i tried to confess to her, thankful she didn't say yes, but she also didn't say no, i backed out before she could give an answer cz of this conflict in my mind. i thought maybe if she rejects i would stop thinking about her or at least would know that I couldn't be with her. but I guess I couldn't get that.

i mean if she said yes, what then? i dont want a haram relationship, i can't just tell her to wait, would i even be able to meet her expectations?

i feel bad for even feeling this way, btw i am not a low achieving student or at least i think so, i do great in courses related to my degree and got some practical skills too. but i dont earn and feel like a burden on my parents, completely dependent on them, not giving anything to them in return.

funny thing is i used to think i would never get into a relationship, kinda felt proud, i never wanted to, i never liked anyone, never had a crush, never wanted someone but now i was this 🤏 close to considering one.