Loss of independence living with in-laws

As-salamu alaykum everyone,

30F looking for some honest advice because I’ve recently realized how much my living situation has been affecting me, and I don’t know if my feelings are reasonable or if I’m being overly sensitive.

I’m a Pakistani Muslim woman raised and living in Canada. My husband and I have been married for a couple years and recently had our first baby. We currently live with my husband’s parents (just his parents, not a large joint family).

Before I continue, I want to say that my husband is a good man and a loving father. I don’t think my in-laws have bad intentions either. But despite that, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been struggling with a profound loss of independence, autonomy, privacy, and agency ever since moving into the home.

The biggest issue isn’t any one individual incident—it’s the accumulation of hundreds of small things over the years that leave me feeling like I’m not fully an adult in my own home.

For example:
- Before family events or parties, I often feel like my outfits need approval from my MIL. I’ve been in situations where I’ve been asked to try on multiple outfits and received feedback on each one until I ended up wearing something that wasn’t actually my preference.
- Recently I mentioned an outfit in my closet that I had never worn before and my mother-in-law immediately told me she had already seen it and didn’t like it. That left me wondering why my closet had been looked through in the first place.
- This isn’t the first time I’ve suspected my room or closet had been gone through while I wasn’t home.
- I had organized baby clothes by size and had certain outfits set aside for my son. Some items were later removed and decisions were being made about which clothes should be kept, given away, or used. I found myself feeling like I didn’t have ownership over choices regarding my own child’s belongings.
- I was 4 weeks postpartum when my MIL commented on my weight, saying that I still look swollen and overweight and should start going to the gym while she watches the baby.
- She often tells me how my SIL (my husband’s brother’s wife who lives separately in the U.S) raises her children and I should do more of what she does. I’ve noticed on a few occasions she talks about me to my SIL.
- There are often comments about what I drink, what I eat, what I wear, how I do things, or decisions regarding how I should raise my baby. Opinions or preferences I have about raising my baby aren’t taken seriously (e.g. I want to sleep train him and take him into my room when it’s time but she says to put him to sleep in the living room and not take him upstairs so that he doesn’t get used to too much “privacy” when sleeping). My in laws don’t like when I’m in my room for too long and prefer me to be downstairs more often.

Again, I don’t think any of this comes from malice. I think it’s a cultural dynamic that many Pakistani families may recognize. But the result is that I often feel like I have to justify every choice I make. Over time, it has become incredibly emotionally exhausting.

The hardest part is that when I visit my parents, I suddenly feel like myself again.
I feel free.
I wear what I want without explaining myself.
I drink coffee (with sugar) without feeling judged.
I make decisions without feeling observed.
I don’t feel like I need approval for every little thing.

When I’m there, I feel like an independent adult woman. When I’m back at my marital home, I often feel more like a child being supervised than a wife and mother building her own life.

This has become even more difficult postpartum. After having a baby and going through multiple health issues and surgeries, I already don’t feel entirely like myself. The lack of privacy and autonomy has affected my confidence and mental well-being more than I realized.

I recently explained all of this to my husband. Alhamdulillah, he was supportive and said he wants me to feel at home and have autonomy. I’m grateful for that. Although I don’t think he fully understands the extent to how this affects me. He often tells me this is my home and I’m free to do as I please no matter what anyone says. However, I don’t think he understands, I can’t just leave my room wearing what I feel comfortable in, I can’t just go in the kitchen and make a cup of coffee without constantly being told green tea is healthier, I can’t lay on the living room sofa and just unwind and put whatever I want on the television.

The difficult part is that I’ve become more withdrawn from my husband because of it. He comes home from work and I’m in a bad mood having dealt with comments and conversations with his mom all day. I love my husband and want to spend my life with him, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult living like this and I feel that I’m starting to resent my husband for the life he’s given me in the sense that I have to grieve the loss of never having my own home, my own space to make mine, and build a life with my husband and child.

For context, I’ve always been independent. I drive, I have always worked (before having a baby 3 months ago), and I imagined a different life than I’m living. Moving out is not an option, that topic always creates a fight between us whether my husband feels morally obligated to stay with his parents. Prior to marriage, I did agree to living with my husband’s parents as I thought it’s just his parents there’s no siblings but I did not anticipate or realize that his mother would have this much influence on my life.

My questions are:
- For those who have lived with in-laws, especially in Pakistani families, how did you establish boundaries while remaining respectful?
- How do you balance honoring parents with allowing a married couple to have independence and privacy?
- Is this a normal reaction to living with in-laws, or does it sound like I’m being overly sensitive?
- For brothers, if your wife expressed these feelings to you, how would you want to handle it?

I genuinely don’t want conflict. I don’t dislike my in-laws and I don’t think they’re bad people. I simply want to feel like a grown woman, a wife, and a mother who has some privacy, agency, and ownership over her own life.