(DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED INTO NEW ILLNESS/CONTAMINATION THEMES ⚠️INFO-HAZARD⚠️) Spiraling over sudden contamination concern at work

Hi all. Lately, my contamination fears and behaviors have improved a bit.

However, I just now (like less than an hour ago) received information that makes me want to curl up in a ball and dissappear. Please listen to the title and DO NOT READ FURTHER IF THERE IS A POSSIBLE CHANCE THAT HEARING ABOUT ILLNESS/CONTAMINATION THEMES MIGHT NEGATIVELY IMPACT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. I am reiterating that warning, because this information just immediately undid what I felt to be somewhat steady progress. I feel bad even writing about this to others in such a vulnerable space online, but I am weak and need an outlet.

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I 23M work in an office, where I attend work three days a week (M-W) and work from home two days (Th-F). My supervisor has been out a lot over the last several months (unfortunately due to personal tragedies, family concerns, and illnesses), and she was in and out of the office last week and this week. Today was a work from home day for both of us (M and W are mandatory, and we choose our two WFH days from the remaining three days). I had messaged her a question for something I was working on, and after answering said question, she the went on to talk about why she most recently has been out a lot.

She told me she apparently has recently been diagnosed with a virus that I wont name directly (dont go searching it up please, i am just sad and need somewhere to vent, i dont want anyone also panicking over this because of my actions). I had never heard of it before, but she went on to share details of how highly contagious it is, how doctors told her it lives longer on surfaces than most viruses, how it can remain contagious for weeks after the symptoms (which already last a long time) subside, and how so many other people were in the hospital for it too when she went.

I was as kind and understanding as I could be in my messages back to her, but I started immediately spiraling. This was the last thing I did for the workday as it was right at the end of the day, and i shortly after signed off for the weekend.

Ive been spiraling and panicking since, racking my brain to remember the last time she was in person, the last time we spoke face to face, etc etc. She has been out so much pretty much since I joined the team last November, and even when she is in person i barely see her (or anyone) much, but its still terrifying. The fact that it lasts on surfaces (i of course googled and read about the virus immediately and learned it lasts a shocking amount of time on surfaces, longer than any virus id ever heard of) is really fucking with my head. the last few times ive had communicable infections took such a toll on my mental health, but if i catch this i truly do not know what ill do.

The worst thing is, where we work has an insane policy regarding the mandatory in office days. Its not just that you cant choose Mon/W as your wfh days, but you arent allowed to wfh on those days if you are sick at all. You either use leave or come in person, even though our jobs are fully doable remote (and literally were fully remote for months straight). She mentioned that she may or may not be at work on monday, and if she is she will keep her door closed. I feel bad bc she has been out so much due to her own ongoing personal crises and tragedies, but I selfishly do not want her to come in at all as long as possible. Im considering letting her know i can share some banked leave days with her if she ever runs low (she burned through a looot last year before i even joined and then more this year). Id be tactful and kind about it ofc, but this is just really fucking me up.

I also have an event that i am supposed to go to in a few hours at my sisters apartment but i really want to cancel. My partner who also has OCD but admittedly is in a better place than i am these days says i shouldnt but im just so panicked. i just wanna dissappear because i know the coming weeks/months are gonna be hell for me, and thats if i dont get sick. if i do, i have actually no clue how ill handle it, knowing id be contagious for so long and everything i touch would be a hazard for so long.

Im sorry this is such a long rant, its keeping my semi calm to put my thoughts here. idk what i even want to get out of posting this, i just feel helpless. like im in the beginning of the sequel to a horror movie, where i survived the first film but i just saw the first sign that the monster/killer is back. if you believe in a god id appreciate prayers (im agnostic but ill take all the help i can get atp).

thanks for reading my rant :,)