

Hi everyone,

I’m 36 and a couple of months into transitioning. The biggest change so far is how calm, present, and comfortable I feel within myself.

For years, I tried to dismiss these feelings and convinced myself that continuing to live as a man would be easier. But the feeling that something was not right kept returning, regardless of how often I pushed it away.

Lately, I feel more like myself and hopeful about the future. At the same time, I still experience sudden waves of doubt:

“What am I doing?”  
“Am I making my life too complicated?”  
“How will this affect my family and children?”

Most of my life felt performative, especially at work, around family, and in social situations. I often felt anxious and exhausted from trying to be the person everyone expected me to be. Now I feel more natural internally, even though I am taking everything slowly and privately.

I’m hoping to hear from others who began transitioning after 30, particularly those who also have careers and families.

Did the sudden waves of doubt become less frequent over time? Sometimes I feel peaceful and excited, and then my old identity seems to push back.

I have also started noticing men differently. I had previously only been interested in women, so this feels new and unexpected. Did anyone else notice their attraction changing or becoming clearer as they became more comfortable with themselves?

I also occasionally feel physically smaller around people I have known for years, even though I know my actual height has not suddenly changed. I wonder whether this is connected to no longer feeling that I have to project such a large masculine presence.

I’m still figuring things out and would appreciate hearing from anyone who relates to this emotional back-and-forth.

Thank you for reading.

—Brin

3 Months on Estrogen: Feeling Alive Again, Less Anxiety and Depression, Random Waves of “What Am I Doing?”, Noticing Men Differently, and So Many Questions