(Vent) Am i a freak for relating to the characters?

i’ve always been apathetic to gender, even as a kid, always doing whatever I wanted, never shackled to rules of gender. i’d still cry alone, since others might tease me at School.

gender seemed stupid, and femininity with masculinity seemed even dumber to me! I hate men and women, and i hate humans even more than that, but i feel compassion for humans as well…

yet when i got older i started to feel these strange feelings pervading my body, a creeping horror at my own disgust at myself and others. I’ve never Been able to get really any friends since i was a kid, always preferring to be alone and with my own thoughts.

Maybe it’s obvious considering i now know i have Adhd and Autism, both of which i denied as a kid due to my internalized ableism.

my own family situation was mostly fine, even normal at that! I had a loving mom and dad, a decent economy. yet i still felt… wrong, like a freak, a mistake who doesn’t deserve to live. My own impostor syndrome was immense, i thought i wasn’t a good artist, that i was lazy, fat, was going to die of diabetes, live is pointless, That your siblings don’t care, that you should be grateful. All in this stew of self loathing!

i’ve always wanted someone to be affectionate with, yet friends are like butter to me, and they vanish like the wind whenever i meet them on social media, because i’m lazy. i want someone to tell me that ”i trust you as a friend” and include me in banter!

This show through some of its characters made me process these complicated gender feelings through Zooble’s nonbinary feelings, and Ragatha as a loving maternal figure.

concerning gender:

i mostly consider myself a man and cis….

Right?

if you want to, can you please tell me what you think of me and what you believe i am?