Growing up in a hispanic household

It's days like today when I can't help but feel so alone. Days when I get into an argument with my mom when I know exactly the capacity she has and the lack of emotional awareness she has. Regardless, it hurts.

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I grew up in a hispanic household and my parents were never affectionate towards one another. My dad was the typical "machista" and my mom was the typical traditional hispanic wife. My dad took care of the mortgage, outdoorsy things and anything to do with tools. My mom took care of cooking, cleaning, interior decorating, raising us (there's 3 of us). We were always well fed, clothed, had a house to live in and.. that's the extent. We didn't talk about our personal lives, we never went into depth on how our days went, we didn't ask each other questions, in general, we didn't spend quality time together, we didn't do any family activities, we didn't go on vacations (other than Mexico but that stopped before I was in middle school).

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As I grew into adulthood I (surprise) got thrown out of the closet. Both of my parents were livid and called me names/slurs. They couldn't look me in the eyes for years. I eventually brought someone home, years later, in college and they didn't ask me anything. They called her "my friend" even though I had told them we were dating.

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And.. that was my adolescence and early adulthood. It feels very empty and I still hold a lot of resentment even after all of these years and after starting and completing therapy.

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I hold resentment because I still find myself feeling a void with my upbringing. I gave in today and got into an argument with my mom. It threw me back into a place where I felt like I was just spewing words into an abyss. I know those words will never make sense to her and she will only ever see this argument as me being ungrateful. Because how could I talk back to them or be angry when they gave me everything they could. In a way she's right, my anger doesn't have a basis. I know their capacity and yet I had that conversation.

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She cried on the other end of the phone and just said that if I didn't want them in my life then that's fine but it's not what I want. I want them to grow and understand my pain. I know it's unrealistic.

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I feel alone. I feel defeated.

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If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

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