A message to my older self.

Hopefully one day I will get better. I doubt it. But this is a letter to see how I see myself now versus how I will when I’m older, if I get to be older.

I am humiliating. I have no friends. I peaked in middle school. I will work a minimum wage job in the future. I won’t graduate high school. My family will hate me. I will be single forever. I will be made fun of forever. I will be ugly forever. I am dumb, and stupid, and useless in school. I don’t stand up for myself or others, and I don’t care. I try to be like others, but I am not. I am weird and perverted. I want to kill myself everyday. I think about killing myself every day, but I am a coward. I made the only person who talks to me weirded out. I am humiliating. I have no friends. I am gross and perverted. I don’t take care of myself. I am gross. I think about going back to my past everyday. I have dreams of my past everyday. I want to go home. I want to see everyone that used to act like I was worth talking to, and all the people I used to hate. I live in a town full of racists and homophobes and I am one of those categories. I will never made friends. I am a bad person and I should die. I am a coward and a loser. I disappoint my grandpa. I disappoint my grandma. I disappoint my dad. I disappoint my mom. My brother is embarrassed when people find out we are related at school. I wear the same clothes everyday because I’m too fat to look good. I am fat and ugly. It will never get better. I suck at everything. My only friend is a teacher. I’m failing my freshman year. I’m poor and broke. People only choose to like me when they are in a good mood. I am not allowed to be in a bad mood or I am “always in a bad mood”. I’m so gay. I’m a loser who watches shows about gay guys because there’s no lesbian ones. I am a loser. I beg for attention. I’m too scared to talk in school. People think I’m disabled. I can’t cry. I want to cry. I will never be rich. I will never be famous. I will never find anyone to love me. I am fat and ugly. I will forever be alone. Kill me. I am a bad person. I am humiliating. I have no friends.