I don't know what to do right now

I'm turning 15 next month, but I'm not sure if I want to live that. Everything seems under control and fine, but in my head it isn't.

My parents watch me every day, since it's not something new. I've been struggling since I was 10-11, it started because of bullying and that leaded me to have a very low self esteem and already 3 suicide attempts. Then, the thoughs of hurting myself came when I was in 6th grade, elementary school. I never had many friends, probably because my unsightly appareance. And that self-destructive behavior discouraged others from talking to me.

It's my first year in another school, I'm in 9th grade. People here is even worse. Besides that, the academic pressure was killing me. Probably the worst thing that happened to me this year was that I dated a boy the same age as me, we were friends since 8 months and we met each other in a music class. He was a weirdo that took advantage of my inexperience and tried to rape me. And I was an absolute idiot for thinking someone would truly love me.

All of those things leaded me to my latest suicide attempt. I tried to jump from a balcony in front of all my classmates and a teacher. I didn't really care about anything or anyone in that moment. the teacher grabbed me when half of my body was hanging.

I spent 14 days hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. Probably the worst days of my life, since the public medical system in Panama is absolutely awful. For now I'm in my house with my family. I have to take antidepressants and attend psychology and psychiatry for the rest of my life.

My life is completely fucked up. I genuinely hate everyone (including myself) and I know that nothing will be the same. I don't know what to do when I go back to school, because I know it will be a total hell being the 'emo weird boy who tried to jump from the second floor'.

I don't feel joy at doing things I used to love doing before. I don't have anyone to trust or even talk with. Fuck therapy and antidepressants, none of that bullshit has even helped me. I'm not sure of trying to end it again, because, even if I don't have anything to miss in this life, I'm not sure what method try this time.

Thanks for reading, any comment or advice will be appreciated.