I'm a puppet

I was born into being controlled and used, and I miss it. I miss being treated like a toy. Being told what, why, and when to do anything. Even the minutiae like how long my hair was, or making sure my figure wasn't discernible under my clothes, or how much of my plate I was allowed to eat. Every part of my life was dictated, and I miss it. I miss not being able to think, just turning my brain off and going through the motions, day in and day out. I miss knowing exactly how my day was going to go, down to the timings, and it being comforting to walk through it all everyday. It felt safe to know what was coming and be prepared for it.

Worst of all, I miss the abuse. Being beaten, at least feeling pain was somehow better than not feeling anything at all. I was being touched in some way, I had the evidence of another human being handling me all over my body. I yearn so hard to feel small and fragile again. When I was locked in a room, I could at least hear life going on without me. I could hear laughing and meals being shared and gossip. I could delude myself into thinking I was a part of it. Now I don't hear anything but the sound of my own breathing, strange and unnerving.

If I could be a toy again, I would take it in a heartbeat. To feel someone close again, to shut my brain off and be controlled. I crave it so badly I taste blood. I've tried to find it. They all wanted sex. I thought I was above that, or maybe I just wasn't desperate enough then. At this point I would gladly take the trade-off. I would lay there and act like a specific type of toy and hold in my tears as I take it, or not if they like that I suppose. If it means I get to be the type of toy I want the rest of the time, if it means I can be manhandled like a marionette into being obedient and nothing else, it's worth it.