The ugliest out of my family and friend groups

i try so stupidly hard to feel some semblance of confidence, but it falls short every time i look at the camera or mirror. out of four siblings, i’m the ugliest, who grew up fat instead of skinny like them, who has a big nose and an uneven face while they’re symmetrical little hellions. my friends are so precious, but i can’t help but be jealous and ruined by guilt from it. they’re just so pretty or handsome, features i can only achieve through surgery that might end up botched and unnatural.

i feel even more guilty for using one of those attractiveness AI test. me, the known “woke” friend, using AI for my own personal benefits. to make matters worse, i got an age range guess of 28-31. i’m 17 years old. it told me i was masculine, when all i’ve ever wanted was to be feminine. i have so much hyperpigmentation, and i can’t even use products that would help because my mother doesn’t allow me to get such “bad” products. i only look good on occasion, and even then, i feel fake. the camera has to be at a certain angle, my glasses have to be off, i can’t smile and i have to fix this resting B face, i have to moisturize and take the photo immediately so my face doesn’t look dry, i have to put my hair a certain way to give the illusion that my face is thinner than it is fatter, i have to use filters that make my nose appear slimmer and my textured skin to be smooth. pretty people don’t have to do this. not even makeup does any justice for me.

i know looks aren’t everything, but it is to me. it’s all i have to show, and it’s the worst thing ever. i feel like my existence is a filler, i’m not noticed unless i make myself known, and the attention is only focused on my words rather than the dreamy zoning out on someone’s face you see in movies. i wish for so much, i wish i could go back in time and make sure my mom picks a man for his looks instead of personality like she seemed to. this is the worst.