Feel like I’m breaking and only “active treatment” has been surgery so far…

I feel like I’m breaking and haven’t even done chemo (if I stick with this treatment decision) and radiation yet…. (Done bmx). Deciding for chemo and fighting for I guess getting my appointments exhausted me. I’m still holding on to IVF thing if I cancel chemo maybe I’d do IVF but I feel like battling all that is also going to drain my spirit and therefore quality of life just a little more, just like everything else I been fighting for since I was diagnosed. I feel like decisions and uncertainties and fighting and the systems exhausted and drained me. I had more left until the last 24 hours. Maybe it’s indicative of my weak boundaries with others and especially others who still operate from non-disabled-centered ways of thinking and being. I even wonder sometimes how care would be different if our providers had cancer (though maybe it’s been in their family perhaps can be a part of their story). It just feels so disconnected sometimes. I feel internally in fighting for my life.

I’ve disdained when loved ones have told me I have to fight since beginning of diagnosis. Like what do you even mean, friend? I’m a fighter always and I’m always fighting something but when were you on my side or in my corner then? Now I’m about to possibly die in another way, a way more tangible and uncomfortable to you so the words of support is, you better fight… 😒 okay, maybe I’m a critical person and I should think differently, accept and receive support that someone cares but maybe just insensitive.

Having and being open about having cancer feels like it brings to light people’s own discomfort with their own immortality or something. Some people may or may have not dropped off. I read something about not abandoning your disabled or sick friends. Most people haven’t in a sense yet some people’s absence or ghost feels a little more noticeable at this time in my life. Maybe it’s nothing.

Anyway I’m tired and wondering if there’s a “depression” flare on here, or if this belongs in “depression” but wouldn’t truly fit because my depression is also my cancer grief process.

Also, it was disappointing that Pink Fund would not consider my app to pay even partial payment toward rent, which is the main expense I have. I just want to take a break from work and trust I’ll be ok to do that. I don’t feel entitled but I’m annoyed because I spent a lot of time putting into and worrying about that app, similar worries that feel like worrying about whether or not I should do chemo with three lymph nodes despite mixed theories or beliefs as to weather or not I would benefit much, and fighting for all these appointments and such. All this dim an energy. I’m just annoyed but simultaneously grateful I guess that I was able to get a few small grants elsewhere without a lot of red tape.

I guess I have so many things to be grateful for. I know i was leaning and believing I shouldn’t move during treatment, and preferred not to, but I just gave myself a week or so to look around and found a perfect spot and got accepted and would be a great landlord-tenant relationship, and space for me mentally emotionally and socially. I know I can’t anticipate moving much. I have two friends who say they’d help. I’ll hire movers (more expense I guess). I won’t have too much other expense with the move because my landlord really worked w me. I know it isn’t ideal but I think mind wise I’ll be so much happier, and also more positive about receiving the presence of guests.

I’m also connecting to traditional healers to supplemental my wellness during this time (while I still follow my regular licensed doctors for my cancer treatment).

There’s probably some more positive things. I guess it’s great to still work but I am burning out so I need to take a break but been waiting to know when and if scheduling chemo. It’s now in the books so I will navigate when to take off. I’m so tired and feel ready. I’ll at least work hard to give myself the weekend and early week next week off from relational demands. Sometimes I feel like because I’m on my social media apps and say hi here and there that I have to be more available then is good for me. I just like posting random things or scrolling really, or venting things out sometimes.

Anyway, this was a vent because I was overwhelmed, depressed, and burnt out or exhausted and angry at cancer and my symbolic triggers. I think I talked my way out though. I’m ok. Either way. I’ll handle the future, whatever that may hold. And I deserve to honor myself and my needs, and to be cared for and be taken care of, even emotionally without feeling like a burden or that I’m too much.

-Vent