Do you consider "check puzzle" cheating?

Ok this will be a weird post because it has more to do with my personal OCD and attempt to be more compassionate to myself.

About 10 years ago i was quite a good crossword player. I reached the point where i could solve any crossword you put in front of me, but it may take me an hour to do it. I think i was even top 25 at the LA tournament.

I fell out of crosswords for a bit but have rediscovered my love lately. I am older, my mind is not as sharp. Wednesday and Thursday are still a lock and about 65% on Friday and Saturday. If I haven't solved the puzzle after 20 minutes I hit check puzzle.

I feel embarrassed because I had this idea in my mind that I was a really good crossworder and that is not what really good crossworders do. Funny thing is I actually enjoy it. It's like you see where your mistakes were and you start again with new ideas that lead you to new solutions. It's personally fun but also a little hit to my ego.

What do you think? Do you get embarrassed? Is ultimately loving what you're doing the point?