I’m 17 and don’t know if this is trauma or just who I’ve become- has anyone else gotten better?

I’m 17, and I just want to know if anyone has gone through something similar at a young age and how they turned out.

Growing up, my childhood was pretty chaotic. In elementary school, my mom was extremely emotionally abusive. I missed a lot of school because of her breakdowns and was constantly exposed to instability at home. By 4th grade, I was emotionally numb. I had depression and anxiety, started self-harming, and eventually started psychiatric medications around 5th grade.

I eventually moved in with my dad, which was a much better environment overall, but I never really got over what happened with my mom or the way I think it wired my brain. My relationship with my dad was complicated too. He was generally a good dad, but he always had different women around, and when he got serious with them, I often felt like I came second. On his wedding day, his wife didn’t want me to “ruin the wedding,” so I was locked in a basement during the ceremony. Experiences like that left me with a lot of abandonment issues and what people would probably call “daddy issues.”

By 13, I was hooking up with 17-year-olds, drinking, and smoking. At 14, I started sleeping with men 21+ and going to clubs. I realized I was attracted to older men because being wanted by them made me feel special, more mature, and somehow “better” than people my own age. There was also a comfort aspect to it. Falling asleep next to them gave me a sense of safety and closeness that reminded me of being comforted by my dad as a child (not in a sexual way, just the feeling of being protected).

Around that same time, I started smoking weed every night because it helped me shut off my thoughts and feelings.

At 15, I tried cocaine with my mom during one of her breakdowns. I also tried molly and acid from my own dealer. I was going to bars and clubs almost every weekend. I stopped smoking weed close to 16 because I felt like it hurt my social abilities, and I replaced it with drinking instead.

By 16, all of these habits had become normal to me. I wasn’t interested in guys my own age anymore. During really bad depressive episodes on school nights, I’d drink and occasionally use drugs just to cope. The only person I dated close to my age was 18 and had committed murder, had a child, had a DUI, and struggled heavily with drugs and alcohol. Looking back, I think I was mostly attracted to the chaos and intensity of the situation rather than the person.

Now I’m 17. I sleep at 25-year-olds’ houses. I fell in love with a 23-year-old and almost entered a relationship with him. I use drugs without testing them, even though I own a testing kit. I drink whenever I can. I have very little motivation for school.

The weird thing is that despite all of this, I’ve maintained a 3.7 GPA and stayed in honors and AP classes. I still need to take the ACT and try to prepare for college. From the outside, I think most people assume I’m doing fine.

From 8th grade until now, I’ve mostly felt numb. Not sad all the time—just empty. I’ve been in therapy for years. I’ve tried multiple medications. I’ve genuinely tried to get better, but nothing seems to stick. Even when I’m completely sober for periods of time, I still feel the same underlying emptiness.

Part of me hates this lifestyle and doesn’t want to keep living like this. But another part of me finds comfort in it. The lows feel familiar, even if they’re painful. I also think I chase intense highs because emotionally, I either feel extreme lows or complete numbness.

I’ve also tied a lot of my identity to music, especially The Weeknd’s Trilogy and After Hours eras. I know it sounds stupid, but those albums feel like they understand how I experience the world. Every time I’ve tried to change or become healthier, it almost feels like I’d be losing part of who I am, because this version of myself is all I’ve really known.

Has anyone else had a childhood with emotional abuse, developed these kinds of coping mechanisms early, and actually gotten better? Did the numbness eventually go away? How did you stop identifying so strongly with the chaos and pain, especially when it felt like part of your personality?

I’m not looking for judgment. I just want to know if anyone has been in a similar place and how things turned out for them. I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m scared that this is just who I am now. I know that everyone can change, but I don’t know if I care about myself enough to do that.