Is quiet BPD a thing? Anyone care to share their experience?

TW - SI/SH

I’m 25F and I’ve been struggling with depression since 12. Officially I’ve been diagnosed with depression with mixed features. Im on mood stabilizers and antidepressants to help.

A year ago during a mental health crisis, when my main provider was out, I had a different doctor who questioned a BPD diagnosis. But my main provider didn’t follow up on it - she thought I was an attention seeker… needless to say, she’s not my provider anymore.

Long story short, I question whether I have BPD sometimes. I just wish I could understand myself and my behavior.

Is it trauma? Is it depression? Is it BPD? Or maybe a combo…?

I’m very functional at work and school so my mental health issues are often glanced over, but nobody understands the immense internal pain. Growing up my parents shamed me for expressing emotions so now everything I feel stays inside.

I’ve heard of quiet BPD and it deeply resonates with me.

Particularly concerning splitting, intense relationships, SI/SH, emptiness, fear of abandonment/rejection and having a FP.

I want to address this because I’m afraid I’ll keep ruining my close relationships and quality of life.

I didn’t realize FP were a thing but, I’d say my therapist is my FP right now.

She’s the mom I never had. I’ve messaged her a lot outside of business hours and have gotten in trouble for it. I want to be the center of her world like she is mine. Honestly, I’ve thought of cutting myself again so I could see if that would make her love me more but I’m afraid she will terminate our relationship if she realizes that’s why I’m cutting.

Anyways, I was just wondering if anyone has quiet BPD, how their diagnosis went and if they’d like to share anything about it.

Thanks. :)