I [33M] don't understand my wife [30F]

Help me out here.

Wife [30F] and I [33M] fight quite some. Still she is the love of my life. We both have traumapast which affects how we communicate. Been together for 8 years.

A lot of our fights start with my wife having some kind of feeling that she has been abandoned with her feelings or not met emotionally which she takes very hard. She responds very dramatically to these situations with having mental breakdowns that for me seem to come out of nowhere. I try to comfort her but she pushes me away as she feels abandoned. I retreat and ler her have her space but this makes her feel even more abandoned. If I then try to comfort her she says its too late and I am doing it in her opinion only because it is asked.

She gets angry, insults me and have also used physical violence. She thinks that I want to hurt her intentionally. At this point I usually don't know what to do anymore and we start yelling and going to a loop that makes the arguments even more difficult.

A lot of these arguments have ended with me leaving the apartment as she has threatened with violence and yelled that I should leave. I try to discuss with her and reason but it does not help. It is impossible to let her be alone as she feels abandoned. If I try to talk to her, it is impossible as she gets angry. If I leave, she feels even more abandoned.

I often get automatically very defensive and try to somehow justify my behaviour by for example saying that I am trying to be better and I don't know what to say or do. I am by far from being perfect and cannbe very difficult in thesr moments. I have also told her that her threatening and insulting affects my behaviour. I have also told her several times that if she is yelling me to leave, I leave as I don't know what else to do.

She has often threatened in these situations that she will file for divorce and I will never see her again. And then she gets hurt when I leave and says that I don't fight for her. She also says that her threatening shouldn't affect my behaviour if I love her.

I always come back to her. I always apologize, tell her that I love her and make the initiative. I keep saying to her that it would be easier to me if she wouldnt push me away so hard.

Am I really not trying? I think if I can't talk with a person and she is yelling me to leave, I should leave?

Am I an idiot when I think that her insulting and threating affects how I handle these situations.

Also, we both now this is toxic behaviour from both of our sides. We have gone through a lot and want to try to make this work. We are also going to couples therapy and it has helped. Although it is very slow progress.

TLDR, wife and I fight with a toxic pattern, how can we stop it?