it’s getting bad again.

I’ve been mentally bad for over 5 years now. it all started since i lost most my friends over some argument and i had no friends around me at the time i was all alone in school every single fucking day.

then over 2 years ago i had found friends i wasn’t the most “popular” kid in school but everyone knew me and there was very few people who I wasn’t somewhat friends with. but that all changed over a stupid rumour. it ended up with my best mate at the time chatting shit about me every single time i was near him. it resulted into me and him fighting and me giving him a right hook to the head where his head bounced off a classroom door. making me suspended. the school realised how bad it got and gave me authorised absence for however long i wanted. i did not go to school for the whole of year 10.

2 months after i lost all my friends in school i lost my closest mate to suicide. he messaged me saying he needs me and that he couldn’t feel his legs he put this word for word “hlep m e cant feel legs” with those exact spelling he then put “i fcukd u p”. in short words i was too late to respond and get help. i was 15 when this happened i havent been the same since.

i then lost my grandad to cancer last january. i was quite close with my grandad. this sent me in another spiral.

during all of these things i attempted a total of 4 times but i just couldn’t bring myself to it because i didn’t wanna put my family through what i was going through. i’ve tried all sorts of professional help. counselling, therapy, psychologists all sorts. they all made it worse.

I was slowly getting better and recently i’ve slipped back on tuesday night i was sitting in my bed with 5 boxes of pain killers ready to go. I started taking a few. then I froze knowing by me doing that I will be hurting my family as much as i’m hurting. there’s a lot more that I could talk about as in events that has lead to these feelings but in the end i don’t know how i feel one minute i’m angry asf but not at anyone but at the world for putting me through all of this. next im bawling my eyes out trying to catch my breath between tears. and next im putting on a fake smile to go to work, to see my family to even get out of bed. I feel like i got no friends or anyone to talk to about this. i just want these feelings to go i’m so sick of feeling this way all the time i just want everything to end. im now 17 and it’s almost worse than ever. i’m not sure what to do with myself.