Do you often find yourself frothing at the mouth after getting beamed? Maybe you hate vehicles more than DICE hates skins with real camo. Do you wish you could play a different shooter, but you just can’t break the cycle? Allow me to help you using my proven therapy methods guaranteed to put your mind at ease.

1. The Detox Method: You will begin this method by deploying the Support Class, with a mortar tube. Few things cause as great of joy as receiving points from indirect fire. It’s low effort, it’s free, it’s fun for the whole family. It’s like a mini-game built into your already frustrating game, see something you don’t like? Mortar it! Imagine how annoying it must be to have lead rain in your forecast as John Doe, Evil PAX Invader! Ahh feel that release, don’t know what you’re hitting? That’s the best part! It doesn’t matter! Remember the most important rule of warfare is to have fun doing it!

2.) The Saint-XIV Method: You will deploy this method when just in a rut, but boy oh boy do you wanna be in the action! Helping your team push! Have no fear, our patented Saint-XIV technology will have you back on your feet. You will equip Support, 870 Shotgun, Slugs or Buckshot, Walls, Defibrillator, Smoke Grenades. Welcome to the good life, you will be reviving, you will be smoking, you will not be playing offensively, you will hold the line, you will be Mercy Incarnate. Mars what happens if an enemy pushes me? Well citizen, his family tree stops here, with our certified pre-owned patented brand new HOLE PUNCH technology now back from the trenches of Europe with our new and improved “Slam Fire” dispensing of Mercy upon those who would do your baby cubs any harm. Remember you aren’t surrounded in the smoke! No! they’re trapped in the fog of war with you dearest gentle reader! What’s faster than 233ms TTK? Swift, Painless, Pump Action deployment at the blink of an eye.

3.) The Santa Method: Little Johnny doesn’t want to play anymore, because he hasn’t eaten dinner and is getting lit up by prime gaming years flick masters taking stimulants, have no fear Johnny. This Intelligence coming steaming hot fresh out the spigot will have you recovered in no time. Equip Recon, Equip the Drone, now you are HQ. Ping Enemies for your friends, Ping enemies trying to be sneaky sneaky, haha not anymore you’re not, for Little Johnny sees all, he knows when your flanking, he knows when you’re pushing, he knows if you’ve been bad or good. Providing this intel to your team will help invaluable Johnny, imagine a world in which your enemies are all wrapped up with a little bow and you deliver kills wrapped up to your team right under their tree, imagine the excitement on their face knowing 2 sneaky snakes are sneaky no more, but instead leaky leaky from 5.56x45 NATO! Ahh 100 assists or more per game, feels good doesn’t it. You’ll be reaping sweet buttery catharsis in no time!

Feel free to post your patented FDA not approved experimental therapies in the comments below, remember to include a catchy name, or else it’ll never fly off shelves!

Patented Cures for Rage