I know what I wrote about was abuse but I always feel like there’s more I don’t remember.

I have very poor memory and a lot of my childhood is blocked out but I remember some abuse (cocsa, csa and physical abuse) and bc of that I feel like I would be able to remember if any thing else happened to me… but I did dissociate a lot but I don’t have before or after memories…

my cocsa was with a female cousin and that "never effected" me in a way as the stuff we did together was reciprocated and I truly believe was be we were both being abused outside of that and found comfort and control with each other. the reason I think this be with other stuff involving adults, I felt shame and gross. but with her I just felt like I was finally safe and had a friend.

and the stuff of csa i remember was my ex step dad showing my his genitalia then memory cuts off (I think I cant remember if it was a dream or not but I was 5 n why would a 5 year old have that dream…), my uncle and i THINK his friend and my older brother playing graphic porn in front of me when I was like..5? I don't know for sure tho...but I don't remember anything after that so i don't know what happened but I think they did it out of lack of care for me not for sexual gratification.

but I was extremely hypersexual as a kid from ages 4 and up. i remember even pretending to be asleep to let a boy kiss me and hoping he’d do more when i was 5? and masturbating really young and making non-con rps with my dolls and then when I was maybe around 10, I tried to be more seductive for an older guy, or doing dirty rps as a kid and being turned on By this non-con fanfic I found that I just really loved and felt so in awe with. or feeling like every older guy was staring at me with sexual intention.

I also remember being attracted to my uncle and always feeling like I was under his watch a lot or like I was preforming for him to get him to notice me. I felt like this a lot...feeling like I was always preforming especially in men were around. he was very verbally abusive to me that I know for sure.

but I don't remember peeing myself (only maybe two times when I was 7 or 8? or I don't remember if I felt pain or dirty down there be idk I just didn't really...feel connected with myself? I felt out of body a lot. I remember constantly feeling like things weren't real or staring myself in the mirror

CONSTANTLY tryna just see if anything was there or change.

most dreams I have now that are sexual, I'm ALWAYS a kid. mainly with older faceless men and I'm always waiting for pain but luckily it never comes but it's always gross and unsatisfying. recent days I've been waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety but no idea why.

idk why I wrote this, I just always feel like there was something more I couldn't reach. and maybe someone might relate to this? i feel like I'm crazy but i kinda wanna see if anyone relates.