Talking to women just exposes me to humiliation

Specifically sexual humiliation. I know most of you are super popular and rich and network well but not everyone who has mental issues is like that ok.

The only women, woman really I’m friends with is one I also was sexual with in the past and boosted my confidence and gave me positive affirmations.

When I put myself out there, or interact with people at the jobs I have, I notice I end up in this role of a dumb, lost, inexperienced child. I do have some insecurities around those things, so that’s why I exaggerate and spiral, but that’s how it feels.

The last woman I talked to outside of work gave me her number, invited me to her home and took me to her bed naked. My body is messed up mixed with my “anxiety” so nothing happened. And she comes into my job all nice asking to see me again and I just cannot understand it.

She’s supposed to hate me and humiliate me in front of everyone here and leave with some guy who won’t screw that up while smirking. Im just a loser failure who’s gonna screw up and I’d rather just avoid it all.

Another part of me doesn’t want to avoid anything so it really sucks. I wish I felt comfortable with myself and had the confidence I did when I was younger. Once I turned 18 and was graduated from high school, it really hit me where I was in life and I started comparing myself to people.

You have to be an extremely despicable person for me to think I’m better than you. No matter what you think you have or haven’t done I’m worse because I either had the ability and didnt or just did the wrong thing. I know I have to keep trying with different therapist but I’m okay.

I wish I was normal so when I finally get in a mood of fixing my life I don’t give up thinking whats the point if I end up humiliated anyway.