I'm 19 turning 20 next month and I'm genuinely a disgusting human being

I think about killing people, my family specifically because I've been abandoned so many times that I'm no longer afraid of abandonment as severely anymore but maybe I am I just handle it differently. I know it's probably because of social media or movies and video games and how harsh life has been but I'm aware of how terrible I am as a person. I think about killing myself in every way. I also think about hurting other people just to stop myself from thinking about it if I ever actually considered it but sometimes I think it's all in my mental state and it's obvious that it is because I would have by now.

There was a moment I beat up my 27 year old brother who is over 200lbs. If I was his weight at the time I probably would have done much worse. I kept hitting him until he eventually managed to get on top of me after we wrestled and I was trying to make sure my head didn't hit anything so my attention was away from the fight. He started punching me. I probably got knocked out for like a second because I wasn't paying attention and then I got pissed off because I didn't get my way and then I couldn't continue the fight because it was stopped by our elders and I was pissed off I couldn't prove myself. I was so happy though but also really sad and angry that they finally saw how I act, how disgusting I am. I'm so obsessed with how I am judged. I'm afraid what I'd do to myself when I get really suicidal. I'd probably cut myself up the same way I imagine doing it to other people.

I'm severely addicted to masturbation because of the way it makes me feel. Sometimes I'm able to stop but I'll get addicted again. It's been going on for so long. I'm such a bad person. I wish humanity would be perfect. Why do people like me exist.

I want to become obsessed with building my body so I don't have to be so weak and pathetic but hopefully I don't hurt anyone when I'm strong but I have a feeling I will resist.

I'm sorry for being really edgy but it's because I can't really describe how I feel. I've never been able to communicate anything like this with anyone but please don't sympathize with me at all. I'm a terrible person. I just need help describing what is going on. I used to be almost diagnosed with schizophrenia but I don't really show any signs of it. I was once diagnosed with anxiety and maybe ADHD and I think bipolar too but I'm also thinking OCD could be something I have but I'm not sure I could have just self diagnosed.