When you love them more than they’ll ever love you

Did you know your body has a safety mechanism?
There comes a point where it hurts so bad your brain switches off.
A point where there aren’t words to describe the heart break or loss you feel.
A point where your brain shuts off to protect you.
I fought that for you.
I forced myself to feel.
I convinced myself that feeling the good times was worth feeling the bad.
Until the good times were few and between.
Until the bad days became the new normal.
And I felt it all.
I didn’t have to.
I chose to.
I chose to trust you and let you destroy the hope I built for you.
I chose to believe you and let you prove how right I was.
I chose to watch the person I loved fade into someone I can’t recognise.
I chose to give you my heart and stamp on it, shatter it.
Over. And over. And over again.
How. How to describe what it feels like to love someone so much, to give everything you have to give. And watch them scrunch it up and throw it in the bin like it’s nothing.
To listen to the lies, the excuses.
To try. To try so so fucking hard.
To bleed. To cry. To scream. To be silent.
For nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
And to tell them all of this and they couldn’t give a fuck.
I could have walked away.
I could have called you every name.
I could have burned your stuff.
I could have screamed and cried.
But I smiled and said I’m fine.
Because you’ve already tried those things.
Because you know, deep down they don’t care.
Because you know they see you as exactly what you’ve came to realise.
Exactly what you are.
Their plaything, their maid, their confession box, their secretary, their toy.
And realising this, you know you should leave.
You know from this point on it’s your own fault.
But you can’t.
Because they might change tomorrow.
Because they might care or try tomorrow.
But you know they won’t.
But you love them.
More than they will ever love you.