I’ve been numbing with sex to cope with traumas and difficulties of life since childhood

When I was as young as 5 or 6 I remember I accidentally discovered that pressing on pillow gave this relief of empty spasms. From then on if someone said something harsh I went and touched myself. Difficult day at school touched myself. Feeling sad feeling alone touched myself. Bad fight in relationships or at work touched myself. Break ups and adulting just touched myself or slept with others. It’s so tiring now that it feels pathetic.

Using sex as a kind of anesthesia has run parallel to my life since early childhood. Back then it wasn’t something I understood, it was just this instinctive way to escape into my body and away from whatever felt overwhelming or unsafe.

At the same time, there was denial. Not consciously, just a habit of not looking too closely, of flattening things, of telling myself nothing was really wrong. This combination numbing through sexual feelings and not questioning it just kept going.

It followed me into adolescence, then adulthood, without me ever really stopping to examine it.
Now in my 30s, I can see how consistent it’s been. Whenever things get difficult, stressful, or emotionally heavy, I default to the same thing. Either alone or with someone else, it becomes a way to shut everything else off for a while.

But it never actually resolves anything. It just resets the tension. What’s unsettling is realizing this hasn’t really been about intimacy for me at any point. It’s been about relief, distraction, and not having to sit with what’s underneath. And because it’s been there for so long, it feels almost built into how I function.

I think I’ve spent most of my life running this parallel track on the surface, just living normally, and underneath, constantly regulating through something that keeps me disconnected from myself.

Now that I see it, I can’t unsee it. And I don’t really know what’s left if I stop using it this way.
I’m curious if anyone else has experienced something similar, especially when it started that early and just… never stopped.