Lizzy roast

walking into Elizabeth and Simon’s house is like walking into a crime scene, except the only thing murdered was any sense of hygiene.

​First of all, Elizabeth is built like a haunted skyscraper. She goes by "The Polish Momma" online, which is hilarious because the only thing she’s actually mothering is the mold growing in her sink. She fancies herself a goth queen, sitting in the dark with her slimy sidekick Simon, blasting horror movies 24/7. But honestly? The scariest thing in that house is whatever the hell she tried to make for dinner. Her cooking is a biohazard. If she touches a frying pan, you’re safer calling poison control than grabbing a fork.

​And don't get me started on the great GoFundMe heist. The community actually pulled together and donated cash so they could finally build a backyard fence. But surprise, surprise the only thing fenced in is her ability to avoid hard work. That money vanished faster than her cooking skills, Meanwhile, their three kids are just stuck navigating through absolute disaster zone of a living room.

​Hey, at least they love horror flicks. It saves them from having to look at the real nightmare their own floorboards.